Arminda Lindsay

Being On Purpose

Regret and Fear

By

In my capacity as a leadership coach, I work one-on-one with my clients and truthfully just do a lot of listening. When I do speak, it’s usually to ask questions intended to provoke and to poke holes in what I call limiting beliefs. A limiting belief is anything you hold to be true, which beliefs limit (and oftentimes prevent) your ability to move your life/career/relationship/education/finances forward. Essentially, I’m a remover of (perceived) blocks that show up in every single one of us at various stages and phases of our being human experience.

During a recent coaching session my client revealed their frustration at having just moved across the country for a new job only to discover the job wasn’t anything like what was promised in the interview phase. Not only was the actual job a surprise on arrival, but also the culture, the compensation structure, and the new city all proved to be negative environments for my client’s mental health.

“If I leave, this is going to be a red strike against my career! I’ve worked so hard to put in reasonably long stints at each of my previous employers’, so you can see I’m growing them and me.”

First, as a recruiter, let me assure you in the same way I assured my client — no one is going to give you a demerit for a short stay in a position. Quite the contrary — this now becomes a talking point in future conversations!

“Tell me what happened here?” or “What were the circumstances surrounding this situation?”

It’s that simple. Your short stay becomes an opportunity to learn more about yourself, to better define (and maintain) boundaries, and to learn better questions to ask next time. Because there will be a next time, I promise.

But how did we work through this limiting belief held by my client? What were they holding onto, and why? They were holding onto two beliefs:

  1. Regret
  2. Fear

Let’s look at the regret first — my client was tailspinning into their very recent past, replaying over and over again the “What ifs.” What if I had taken Job A or Job C instead of this Job B? What if Job A still wants me? (They don’t.) So my client was spending a LOT of time regretting the choice they made thoughtfully and in good conscience.

They were spending the rest of their time (an easy 50/50 split) paralyzed with fear of making any changes to their current, regretful, and toxic situation. What’s going to happen if I leave? Where will I go? If I leave it’s going to ruin my career!

I’m going to share with you a technique I use with myself and my clients to work my way out of limiting beliefs. If you feel stuck, ask yourself:

  1. Why do I feel stuck?
  2. What’s blocking/stopping me from taking ______ action?
  3. Am I experiencing regret?
  4. Am I afraid? Of what?

Regret and fear are clear indicators that time and energy (which we each have in limited and finite amounts) are being spent in the past and in the future, respectfully.

Regret is a harbinger of the past, of moments, experiences, and decisions that have already happened. We cannot change what was, and any thought we expend toward the past is wasted time. Conversely, fear is future-based. With rare exceptions (you encounter a bear in the woods or an active shooter in the mall), when we feel afraid, we are imagining something that does not, in fact, exist. In the case of my client, they were afraid a departure would ruin their entire (future) career.

Personally, I prefer to spend my time in the present, focusing my energy and thoughts on creating today, the tomorrow I want to enjoy. I coach and encourage my clients to do the same.

Together, my client and I created a list of questions to ask before moving to a new position, questions that came out of the very real and abrupt experience this current job has provided. We talked through that previously-mentioned Job C, which happened to extend another offer, and what would be the ideal scenario. We talked about coming back to the present, how to let go of the past and of the future every time we find ourselves in either one again.

I invite my clients to imagine they’re wearing a rubber band around their wrist. Whenever you notice and catch yourself feeling regret or fear, snap your imaginary rubber band and bring yourself back to the right now. Learning to think about the thoughts you’re thinking is hard work. It takes practice. Identifying your own personal limiting beliefs takes even more work! And then unlearning them. . . .

Listen, being human is hard. I get it and I’m here to help you navigate the learning curve, if you’d like.

Divorce Was My Doorway

By Leave a Comment

Episode Seven is where you’ll meet Shawn Richardson: mountain climber (three of the seven summits are complete), mother (three boys, ages 24, 22 & 19), and multidimensional mover and shaker in this world!!

I love this conversation and Shawn’s vulnerable sharing of the raw unknowns she confronted in the wake of her unexpected divorce from her husband of 22 years:

  1. Who am I?
  2. Why am I here?
  3. What do I want to do?

She openly admits that the journey she’s traveled to where she stands right now was catalyzed by her divorce.

My favorite part of our discussion is listening to Shawn talk about her oldest son, Charlie, and how his life with special needs, and how she’s interpreted his life, have been “way showing” and transformational for her.

Through her pioneering work, Shawn helps adults with special needs children achieve transformational shifts in their family dynamics, professional lives, and personal experience. 

I can’t wait to see what Shawn creates next and am certain you’ll be just as excited as I am to watch her shift our global consciousness around authentic workers.

Please share your thoughts in the comments below and thanks for listening to the show!

If you’d like to join our community, click here.

The New Sexy: “I Am Enough”

By Leave a Comment

While I love and enjoy all of my guests, this conversation, in particular, holds significant personal meaning. Join me and Shelley Dunford-Hardy as we take the subject of power into the bedroom and what it means for a woman to be in her power in arguably the most intimate spaces of her Self: physically, emotionally and psychologically.

Shelley’s Favorite Tools

  • Kristin Neff and her significant work around self-compassion. Please find Dr. Neff’s website here.
  • Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and a link for that method can be found here.
  • Ocean Breathing: Breathe in the nose for four counts and out the mouth for three counts, repeat.
  • Exploration exercise: Checking in with what you want/enjoy and do not want/enjoy.  Each person takes a turn being a giver and a receiver. The basic words used are, Yes/Please (I like and want to keep doing this) / Maybe (I don’t like this now, but I may be open to it in the future) / No, Thank You (I do not like this and do not want to do it).

Shelley Dunford-Hardy Bio

A licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) for over twelve years, Shelley has a bachelor’s degree in Education, and masters’ degrees in both Clinical Psychology and Spiritual Psychology. She has a passion for helping individuals and couples learn, heal, grow and thrive through challenging experiences in their lives. Shelley’s specialty trainings include Emotion Focus Therapy (EFT) and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). She has worked several years with individuals, and their spouses healing from pornography and sex addiction. Shelley loves traveling, painting, hiking and spending time with her family. She has been married for thirty-two years and has four children. You can find her at her website.

Choose Your Own Adventure

By

Reading has always been a vital part of my life. It was not uncommon for me to beg my mother to drive me to the library once a week during the long months of summer vacation so I could restock my exhausted book supply. I would decide how many books were enough to take home based solely on how many I could safely carry at one time wedged between my chin and the farthest reach of my hands in the opposite direction, using myself as a walking bookend.

I immersed myself in books, escaping to lands far away and imagined, some with completely otherworldly plots and some whose stories didn’t seem so far-fetched. I loved nothing more than to escape through the pages of books to places and people and creatures I believed to be as real as the pages I turned in real time, becoming so immersed in these alternate realities I legitimately believed I was part of the unfolding saga.

When Choose Your Own Adventure books hit the scene my enthusiasm could not be sated. I devoured these books, always reading them from start to stop as many times as I could choose a different direction to guide the fate of the main character through one seemingly critical decision after another, never tiring of the delightful discovery of how one choice could lead to such different consequences and possible outcomes. When I came to the conclusion of a series of choices, I happily turned back to page one and started over again, always choosing differently than my previous read through the same plot.

I’ve come to understand that my life is no different than the storybooks I’ve always loved to read. And up until a few years ago, I was so invested in believing my own story to be true that I was no more writing my story as much as I was allowing it to be written by everything and everyone around me. I was a character in my own story, but one who existed at the mercy of the plot unfolding around me.

Through a series of conscious choices that included working with a coach, I realized my life, and the story about it in my own mind, wasn’t one I had to believe as fact any longer. I had become so accustomed to living my life as it happened, attributing the good stuff to luck and faithfulness and the bad stuff to lessons I must still need to learn and faithlessness, that I failed to see the adventure option in front of me, to turn to a different page for a different outcome. So I began testing the idea of my life as a Choose Your Own Adventure instead of a travelogue of What Happened To Me.

Testing this idea of choice felt like a game, and playing inside of my life was definitely more fun than watching it happen in front of me without my participation. It took some practice, certainly, but actively choosing how I interacted with and interpreted the myriad life situations happening outside of my control created a surprising result. Losing my attachment to being in control had the opposite effect! Instead of feeling like an unwilling participant in a game of chance, I slowly became the controller and creator of my own game: The Story of Me.

Stephen Covey, in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, attributes Viktor Frankl, well-known neurologist, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, with the following quote:

“Between stimulus and response lies a space. In that space lie our freedom and power to choose a response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness.”

Frankl’s theory proved accurate for me. I started to see that I was actually interpreting events and other people’s behavior as having caused me pain or joy, as negative or positive, bad or good. Those interpretations were, in fact, my own personal judgments: thoughts inside of me that I chose to believe as truth, and then I reacted accordingly.

When I practice an intentional period of separation between what Frankl refers to as the stimulus and the response I give myself time to consider my reaction. This practice is not dissimilar to my childhood training of counting to ten before saying something I might regret.

Through this practice, which I still maintain, I spend more and more time in Frankl’s space between stimulus and response. The growth and happiness I experience are directly related to the choices I’m making in that space. No longer am I emotionally exhausted by the constant barrage of my own judgments about what other people are doing or saying as having anything to do with me.

When I feel frustrated or stuck, I simply look to see where I’m not choosing my own adventure and then I happily turn back a few pages and start over again, returning to the awareness that emotional freedom and power are always available to me through a different choice.

Sunrise

By

sunrise

Every single morning I wake to the sunrise. This is a new phenomenon for me, having recently moved to a new city with a new view. Shockingly, even without me witnessing it, the sun has still been rising every single day.

Last night I was out for my evening walk with Eli and happily playing my made-up game of surrender. The rules are simple: I don’t choose which direction to walk; I follow the crosswalk signals only and we eventually find our way back to our building. I’ve had so much fun wandering in this way, following the lights and learning all sorts of things about the downtown streets and where they might lead me. Except last night’s game took an interesting twist when I disobeyed my own rules.

Thirty minutes into our adventure and approaching our next intersection, I distinctly felt pulled in the opposite direction of the current walk indicator light, so I decided to mix things up a bit and waited for the light to change, then followed my intuition. Within a few minutes we happened upon a small group of people gathered together, lovely music was being sung, and there was an excited energy permeating the square. We paused our walk to take a closer look and a lovely woman asked if I would please take her picture. Taking strangers’ photos is one of my favorite things to do, so agreeing was easy, but there was something about her, something in her eyes, something she needed and couldn’t speak, and I asked if I could also please give her a hug?

She silently nodded and as I embraced her she began to gently cry and I held her, making it safe for her to feel whatever she was feeling. I soon learned more about my new friend and the source of her tears and how my crossing her path was a gift for her.

I consider my breaking of my own rules to follow the light inside of me (rather than placing a greater value on the walk signals) to have been the highlight of my day. I was able to turn a game of “what’s next” into an awareness that “who’s next” is much more important.

When I get distracted by my own invented significance and become so focused on what I’m doing and what I’m creating and where I’m walking it’s as if I’m existing in my own cloudy haze and I neglect to notice the sun is always still rising and giving light despite my personal clouds.

When I quiet my notion that my agenda matters and look up and look inward, my clouds disperse and I see my own light is always still shining and showing me what to do and what to create and where to walk and with whom to connect and what to say. I also notice that same light exists within everyone around me, whether they see it or not.

Positive psychology expert Shawn Achor has outlined five essential daily tasks that together comprise the formula needed to live happier and more productive lives. And number five on that list is: deliberately perform random or conscious acts of kindness once a day.

Shockingly, even without you acknowledging it, your internal light still shines every single day. Light up the world and disperse the clouds around you by consciously losing yourself in some daily acts of kindness.

Good things happen and lives are impacted when you intentionally shine your light.

loving you,
arminda

Stuck is Optional

By

We’ve all experienced those times when “stuff” happens, stuff that’s outside of our control, yet its impact is significant. And when those times happen it’s easy to feel discouraged, disappointed, frightened, out of control, stuck, miserable, alone, or even resigned.

During this Ask Arminda session I talk about how okay it is to feel that full range of emotions listed above (and please add the ones I’ve left off the list), but stuck is optional. Every time.

Let me know your thoughts and what your personal experience has been when you consciously rise above your circumstances to create something different.

Loving you,
arminda

Willing to Bloom

By

Willing to Bloom

Nothing in the universe thinks there is anything wrong with you. 
— Robert Holden, Ph.D.

I love living into my magnificence and supporting others in their desire to do the same in their lives. Those “others” are my loved ones: my family, friends, neighbors, clients, workshop participants, retreat attendees, readers of my articles, viewers of my videos, vendors, store clerks, peers, classmates, followers on social media, and anyone with whom I come in contact.

What does it mean to live into your magnificence? To be exceptional? It means you are open to continuous expansion of self and that expansion is achieved through a willingness to surrender your belief system, to be open to another story, another possibility, to be vulnerable.

How do you commit the surrender? You expose your old stories, one at a time, and write new ones. You own your vulnerability. You face your fears. You make courageous self-honoring choices rather than constantly seeking to please those around you. You see that you cannot possibly be in service to others without first being willing to be in service to yourself.

“Can you see what’s really happening here? You are the actor in your own story, but you are acting as if your story about you is a biography, not an autobiography.” 
— Robert Holden, Ph.D.

What does this surrender look like? 

  • not resisting
  • not defending
  • not justifying
  • not hiding
  • not puffing
  • not pretending
  • not covering up
  • not excusing
  • not deferring
  • choosing YOU

Dr. Brene Brown teaches that “vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage.” This living into magnificence takes courage, for it is a scary thing to face your fears. Why is that, you might wonder? Because fears cover up our deepest hurts and if our deepest hurts were to be exposed, well, that might be embarrassing, or painful, or lonely, or true, or all of the above! In fact, you might fear the greatest fear of all: that you’re not lovable or worthy.

“The real you is not afraid of love, because the real you is made of love.”
—Dr. Robert Holden

Dr. Ron Hulnick suggests that the easiest way to overcome a fear is to do the very thing that scares you while fully in your fear of doing it!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” (Marianne Williamson)

Step into your fears. You are courageous. Liberate yourself from its grasp on you. Believe in your own magnificence and not in your limitations. Be willing to blossom. One petal at a time.

Loving you,
arminda

Be the Universe

By

Be the Universe

Modern-day coliseums are massive structures. They come by their size and design honestly. The Arena in Verona was built in the 1st century. It predates the Colisseum in Rome and is a massive structure that standing inside its walls boggles the mind. While coliseums today are used for a variety of cultural events and places of gathering, ancient times were no different. The most popular — and most expensive — events held at arenas were the gladiator games, which were sponsored by politicians and wealthy aristocrats originally as a religious rite to honor the death of a loved one. The idea that a life for a life allowed for safe passage of the deceased in the underworld and they believed the lives of the slaves used in the gladiator ritual were valued less than that of the life of the loved one who had passed.

Eventually the religious meaning and overtone of the gladiators’ spectacles transitioned into a much more secularized vehicle for securing votes and/or maintaining popularity status among the citizens. In preparation for the games, event staff would cover the floor of the coliseum with sand because sand would absorb feces, urine and blood, all of which were in abundance during said event. The Latin word for sand is harenam and over time this word became synonymous with the structure and today we still use a derivation of the Latin when we refer to an arena.

Roman citizens LOVED everything about the gladiator games: the gore, the blood, the fight to the death, the fascination of death by any means, the spectacle, and the voice they shared in the fighters’ destiny (because if a gladiator requested his life the crowd collectively voiced their opinion and the loudest vote won).

Mob rule. Hysteria. Peer pressure. Ambulance chasing. FIRE! Rubber necking. Popular vote.

Does any of that sound like a modern experience?

I’m sure the ancient Romans loved the games because they didn’t see themselves as participants, only spectators. They had nothing to worry or fear. It was all fun and entertainment for them. And the gladiators? I’m sure they lived in fear for their very lives every single day they were in captivity and in training. It’s noted there were times gladiators took one another’s lives in the barracks where they lived and trained, in the most humane attempt they could access, to preserve themselves from the spectacle of the games and their imminent and horrific deaths once they entered the arena.

Do you ever feel like a Roman citizen with a ticket to a game in your hand, caught up in the energy of the crowd, pulsing with the opinion of the masses, exhilarated to be part of something bigger than yourself, a perfect seat with an excellent view of what’s unfolding in plain sight, but far enough away it can’t possibly touch you or those you love.

And do you sometimes feel like a gladiator, sand strewn at your feet and what training you’ve been given is all you have as you step into the arena each day, engulfed with that feeling of complete and utter aloneness and you can barely squeak out, “Help,” because you are frightened, scared, unsure if you are surrounded by friends or foe.

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. — Henry David Thoreau

While visiting the Collisseum’s busy gift shop I lost sight of my eighteen-year-old, which wasn’t a big deal except I wanted to give her the water bottle I’d just purchased for her. Standing next to another choir mom I laughingly said, “I can’t find my daughter!” Immediately a little boy of about 9 or 10 (in full search and support mode) grabbed my hand and said to me, “It’s okay. Tell me exactly what she looks like!” My heart instantly filled with the miracle of love and the access we each have to love no matter where we go, no matter what age or size of person — the universe is always supporting us and providing for us exactly what we need exactly when we need it. And sometimes that support comes in the form of a child leading the way and reminding us that everything is always okay and if it doesn’t feel okay, help is only always a vocalization away.

Speak your truth. Feel your feelings. Ask for what you want and ask for what you need.

Be a listener. Be available. Be a helper. Be a safe space. Be accessible. Be open. Be a light. Be a reminder. Be a friend and a friendly face. Be a hand to hold. Be the help. Be the YES. Be the miracle. Be you. Be love. Be the universe for those around you.

loving you,
arminda

Growth Spurt

By

Growth SpurtAs a little girl I experienced severe growing pains, particularly in my legs. I often woke in the night hurting so much I would cry out and into my room would come my father, with his soothing voice to calm me and take me in his arms to assure me everything was alright. I can still feel the exhaustion of my small body lying rigid and wracked with pain, hot wet tears forcing their way through my closed lids, dropping off the short cliff at the corners of my eyes, cascading into cold pools inside my ear cavities. My father would gently massage the calves of my legs with rubbing alcohol, all the while reminding me that everything was alright, that sometimes growing bigger can hurt, but the hurt wouldn’t last, and that my legs would be stronger in the morning.

At the time my own young daughter started experiencing growing pains of her own, she and I were living with my parents. When she cried out in the night it was my father who would go to her room, rubbing alcohol in-hand, with his soothing assurances of how okay everything was. Even after she and I moved into our own home, whenever the middle of the night pains showed up, my very little growing girl would phone her grandfather, waking him from his sleep, and he would get dressed, drive to our house (rubbing alcohol in-hand) and calmly put her back to sleep with his soothing reminders of how much stronger she would be in the morning.

I am so grateful to my dad for guiding me through the pain of physical growth and for showing me how to care for myself when I’m growing internally. What I understand today that was difficult for me to understand as a little girl in the middle of the night:

1. Massage elevates serotonin, dopamine & oxytocin levels. Serotonin and dopamine are neurotransmitters secreted in the brain and oxytocin is a hormone — all three of which are elevated through massage and touch! Studies on the benefits of each of these have shown lots of things, but primary to our discussion here is that increased levels of these naturally-occurring goodies is a promoted sense of well-being, contentment, and decreased levels of anxiety. Get a pedicure and ask for an extra long massage on your feet and calves. Schedule a full-body or neck and shoulder massage. Get a hug. Give a hug. This doesn’t have to be difficult or cost any money.

2. Growth sometimes hurts. While pain is not a prerequisite for growth, just know that painful growth moments are very normal. Hurt is not a singular episode; it recurs and shows up when it’s least expected and is rarely, if ever, welcome. Also know that everyone experiences hurt. Everyone.

3. The hurt won’t last. I promise; it won’t be forever. If you can relax and take deeper breaths, your attention will shift away from the severe pain and you’ll soon gain the slightest distance from the epicenter of hurt. Breathe even more deeply into that space and gain more distance. Repeat.

4. You are okay. Look around. Is there someone to remind you how okay you are? Someone who understands the hurt of growth because they’ve experienced growth, too? Someone who can hold the space for you to hurt or to hold you literally while you feel it all. (It’s very important that this person not judge your hurt, or justify your hurting through validating the actions of another person as “against” you.) Find that person. For me that person is my coach.

5. Sleep makes everything better. Being tired and hurting are a bad combination. There is perspective and understanding to be gained through proper rest. But only every time.

6. You’ll be stronger tomorrow than you feel today. In my most painful moments I have always remembered that tomorrow will not only be different, but better, as long as I don’t refuse the lesson the hurt provides me.

And always always remember, I’m here. I’m holding this space for you to feel all the feelings, loving you and believing in you and knowing that you are okay. Reply to this email if you need some personal encouragement and a reminder that you are simply experiencing a growth spurt.

allarminda.com | 2024