upset

A Pirate’s Life For Me

August 15, 2016 By Arminda

Once upon a time I bought a brand new mattress. And just a few short months later I came home to discover my neurotic, anxiety-ridden, beloved dog Eli had artistically rearranged my mattress and created a hiding hole for me to use inside of that brand new mattress, which hole would be especially handy should I decide to become a pirate.

Did I get upset? For a moment, yes, before I considered why Eli might have gifted me with his reimagined version of what a mattress could look like or do for me.

Since I had no immediate plans for piracy, I set about re-stuffing the mattress and as it turns out, every bit of fluff that came out of the mattress fit right back in again and a little bit of duct tape over the opening held it all in place.

Have you ever had a catastrophe strike? At work? Or home? Or personally? Not likely. You only think you’ve had catastrophes. My mattress makeover was never a catastrophe, except in my mind. My upset was a reaction to a belief I made up in my own head.

Upset is a choice, not a consequence.

Yes, I could be angry at Eli, but what would that prove or fix? The mattress wasn’t ruined, just redesigned. Was it useable? Completely. The best course of action for me to take in my estimation was to connect better with Eli; to understand why he’d dug the hole so I could then support and love him beyond the fear that caused the behavior in the first place.

I like to remind myself that nothing outside of me causes my upsets. And when I find myself in an upset, the best course of action for me to take is to connect better with myself, to understand the internal hole I’m standing in so I can support and love myself beyond the fear that caused the triggering event in the first place.

Don’t throw out the mattress; it’s 100% useable. That hole is not a catastrophe. Your upset is not the end of the world, nor is your upset anyone’s “fault.” Unless you have plans to stash buried treasure and strike out as a pirate, quietly, slowly and intentionally put your fluff back and get some duct tape to hold it in place.

And if you find yourself in an upset more often than you care to admit, and before you blame the dog, may I encourage you to quietly, slowly and intentionally put your arms around yourself and give a squeeze. Remind You that everything is okay and whatever holes feel empty inside of you are fillable; your fluff might be a bit scattered, but it isn’t lost.

Loving you,
arminda

Busy Signal

January 25, 2016 By Arminda

At the core of every single “issue” (professional, political, personal, and religious) is a dis-functioning method of communication.

Is there anyone in your world who’s upsetting you? Disappointing you? Not listening to you? Talking back to you? Ignoring you? Resisting you (or your ideas)? Not performing their job the “right” way?

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. — Albert Einstein

Try a different connection; the one you’re currently using isn’t working.

Clearly.

Oh, and you’re the one with the faulty signal — in case that wasn’t clear.

Give me a call if you’re still getting a patchy line on that one.

I’m Upset Because. . . .

January 18, 2016 By Arminda

Sarah told me the following story from her childhood and with her permission I’m sharing it with you.

Sarah’s mother, Mary, had prepared one of her usual delicious evening meals and invited the five hungry children to the table to eat. Not long after they sat down, Sarah’s father, Dan (who had made a choice to visit the pub after work rather than coming straight home), entered the kitchen through the back door.

Dan was visibly irritated to discover the family eating without him and started loudly verbalizing his displeasure. Quietly and without comment, Mary began opening the kitchen windows one by one as Dan continued his rant.

Suddenly, as if only just noticing his wife’s activity, Dan shouted, “Why on earth are you opening all the windows?!”

Unfazed, Mary sat back down at the table, casually picked up her fork and replied, “I want to be sure the neighbors know how upset you are!”

Each of us is responsible for our own emotions.

Upsets (“I’m upset because. . . “) only occur inside of us. No one else can ever upset you, or make you angry, or disappoint you, or make you sad, or cause any emotional response in you. That’s all you. Only you. Every single time.

You have a choice every single time you find yourself in an upset:

1. REACT and blame someone or something else and see if that really feels good to you. Does it make you feel any better sitting in that discomfort and pointing a finger, validating all the reasons it’s not possibly your fault?

2. Take a deep breath and look inside yourself first (before you start pointing fingers) and ask yourself what’s really triggering you in this moment? Then RESPOND with awareness of your internal issue that simply wants attention and resolution.

Pema Chodron said,

You are the sky. Everything else — it’s just the weather.

Take back ownership of your emotional well-being. Resolve whatever triggers your upsets. Dance because it’s raining and notice the sun’s refusal to shine has nothing to do with you.