Just when you thought you had that sneaky “victim” mentality under control and had stepped fully into your own, those old thoughts and stories come creeping back and taking over your thinking again! Don’t worry! That’s completely normal. And completely fixable. With practice.
Sell From the Top
Let’s play a little game of pretend. Picture with me that your emotional life is lived on a ladder.
If at the top of the ladder are joy and happiness, then you’ll find things like fear and obligation hanging out at the bottom.
In order to “win” this pretend game I just made up, you’ll need to be aware of some rules:
- Your objective is to move yourself as far up the ladder as possible
- The more time you spend in the top half of your ladder, the better you’ll feel toward yourself and toward others
- All of your interactions with clients (family & friends) will have the best outcomes if the other “players” are also as far up their ladders as possible
- The only person you can move up or down the ladder is yourself
- There are four fast tracks* to the top of the ladder; you are free to use any of them alone or in combination
The best sales advice I can give you is to sell from the top of the ladder. If you come from a place of fear and worry and needing the sale (bottom of the ladder), then your prospect intuitively knows it and won’t buy. Ever.
Move yourself up the ladder. Come from joy and pure service (not a variation on a theme of service) and you’ll astonish them every time.
*Four fast tracks:
Managing Up
You’re given a project and assigned a deadline for its completion. You’re really excited about the assignment and already have a clear vision of the steps you’re going to take to its execution. However, you also experience an immediate sense of overwhelm because in order to really do it the right way, this assignment will take you days longer than you’ve been given.
Many of us experience fear and high stress around these (or similar) situations.
We are fearful of saying anything to our boss because they might think:
- I’m incompetent
- I lack initiative
- I can’t handle the work load in this position
And we experience high volumes of stress in an effort to hide all of the above fears and push ourselves beyond our own capacity to deliver the quality we want to give and the quality expected of us.
Oftentimes, this results in poor quality output and/or other projects not being managed effectively.
What do you do?
Manage up.
This is a perfect opportunity to have a conversation with your supervisor to renegotiate the assignment and to take full ownership of its outcome and in so doing, you also drop the fear and the stress.
The objective of this conversation is not to come from a defensive, angry or frightened position. When you communicate your genuine interest in delivering exactly what’s been tasked, you can suggest you have two choices:
1. On-time delivery OR
2. Quality delivery
Which is preferred?
From that place of honest and sincere desire to serve, you can engage, connect, and create solutions that involve you in the equation.
It’s easy to slip into an internal dialogue that suggests you’re always on the losing side of projects, assignments and workload. And when that voice in your head gets louder, the more unhappy you become with your work environment.
Shift the balance and quiet the voice by speaking up and speaking out. Chances are, whoever’s handing out assignments isn’t doing so with intent to stress or incite fear in you. They want you to succeed, and you communicating the best way for you to achieve success is information they will welcome.
The alternative is to say nothing at all, continue being fearful of upper management, allow stress to wreak its havoc on you and harbor resentment about how unfair your job is.
Your call.
*Note that this method of renegotiation is just as applicable and effective in our personal relationships as it is in our professional ones.
Be sure and watch this video for some additional insight on the topic!
Crazy Good
I can’t get enough of Steve Chandler. I read all of his books. I listen to all of his audio programs. I participate in his live events. I pay him to coach me.
Steve just published a new book: Crazy Good.
This book is — as its title suggests — crazy good!
Chandler is a master of simplification. His is a gift for seeing patterns that most of us use as crutches and excuses for the why we behave the way we do (and oftentimes why we don’t actively participate in our lives at all) and then he shows us that another — better — option exists.
But only every time.
Seeing these distinctions leads us to choice. When we choose something different we place ourselves on the path to a crazy good life, not just a life lived to get through it all.
Be a joy-giver in your own life and read this book; you’ll be crazy glad you did!
Pizza Power
I’m writing to you from Chicago, Illinois, where pizza is a pretty big deal.
I love pizza.
Dairy, however, does not love me, and this teeny little barrier often prevents me from eating a traditional pizza with cheese on top.
On rare occasions I find a pizza place with vegan cheese as an option and on those occasions I am always in the mood for a slice.
Blaze Fast Fire’d Pizza on E Ontario Street in Chicago is just such an establishment, where building custom pizzas is what they do best.
Their process is simple: pick your sauce, cheese, and toppings and watch it bake.
My turn: I asked my server if she would please put on a pair of clean gloves before handling my pizza dough. With a genuine smile she happily obliged.
Regarding the sauce, everything I saw had cheese floating on top and when I told her I cannot have any dairy she immediately whisked my round of dough to the opposite end of the line where a separate cheese-free container of sauce was waiting.
After the vegan cheese was applied I selected several additional toppings to complete my custom pie.
While my pizza baked in the flames, the cashier was nothing but kindness and complimented me on my eyes and thanked me for coming in tonight.
The young man in charge of removing my pizza from the oven and slicing it before putting it in the box called me over to his workstation to show me the pizza cutter he used was one they reserve for pizzas with the vegan cheese so as not to contaminate with cheese and/or meat from the other pizzas.
As I left with my pizza box in-hand, all three of those young people thanked me again for coming.
The system those employees used demonstrates exactly the way for any business, regardless of industry, to increase sales: don’t sell, serve.
- They served me by honoring my request for clean gloves.
- They heard my dairy issue and provided a custom sauce option for me.
- They recognized my dietary difference & offered toppings that might be useful for my needs.
- They saw me as a person and complimented something unique in me.
- They included me in their process to show me they respect what differentiates me.
Don’t focus on a number. Don’t see potential dollar signs above your clients’ heads. Don’t rush to convince them what they need, according to you. Don’t focus on your budget. And don’t wait for the phone to ring.
- Serve your clients.
- Give knowledge, time, a call, recommendations, observations, something extra, with no expectation of a sale.
- Hear their stories.
- Ask what would be useful for THEM and not for you.
- See them as unique and with unique qualities, strengths, and needs.
- Include them in your conversations and respect them as a valuable part of your organization.
Do not try to sell them a pizza.
Just love them for being in front of you and notice how pretty their eyes look to you.
Your tip jar will always overflow.
Charlotte’s Web
Meet Charlotte.
She lives in my herb garden. Directly behind Charlotte to your left is my mint and to your right, the rosemary. Charlotte cares nothing for my herbs. She’s much more interested in the garden fence between which she constructed her large web. A common yellow garden spider (Argiope aurantia), Charlotte is completely harmless to humans and unrelenting in her efforts to live fully each day.
I check in on her every morning. I have a chat with her, acknowledge her latest catches, express astonishment at her ingenuity, speed and cleaning of her dinner plate.
Notice that fancy vertical zig zag running through the center of Charlotte’s web? Every single night before she sleeps, Charlotte eats that center zig zag portion of her web and weaves a new zig zag center, strong and reinforced, ready for her next day’s unknown adventures.
Charlotte believes in the power of reinvention.
She isn’t wasting any of her precious time missing yesterday’s web.
She chooses daily to come from an even stronger core.
She is ferocious in protecting her center and is relentless in her efforts to make it better.
The center of Charlotte’s web is her epicenter for growth.
Charlotte is remarkable.
She’s not messing around. She’s living out loud.
Need me to weave the metaphor for you into the web?
Nah. You’ve got this.
Channel your inner remarkable.
Throw the Punch
I walked onto the mat this morning with wrist wraps securely in place, gloves at the ready, anticipating a solid hour of mitt and bag work under the direction of my trainer. I had been looking forward to this hour all week, for the chance to solely focus on myself in relationship to my imaginary opponent, furthering my ability to act — if needed — on automatic.
I have never used myself as a weapon to intentionally inflict harm or to cause injury against another. I have never hit another human being (not counting that time with my little brother).
Until today.
Today my trainer put on full headgear and told me I had to hit him. Really hit him — full on in the face.
Throw a straight jab at me, Arminda. Use your right; it’s stronger. Don’t hold anything back. You’re not going to hurt me. You have to know what it feels like and you have to know you can hit another human with intention. All the work we do will never matter if you can’t do this. Come on. Do it.
I wasn’t sure if I was going to burst into tears or vomit as my stomach turned uncomfortably. My sweaty palms transmitted their obvious reservation through the layers of wraps and gloves. An uncomfortable confusion clouded my thinking and as I hesitated between left and right foot placement I remembered to bring my gloves to my face and with the gentle touch of the right glove on my chin my left foot immediately followed suit and found its grounding forward position and I jabbed.
That was good! Now you know you can do it and you’ll always remember how that feels.
“I held back,” tumbled out of my mouth as the aftershock of relief flooded my entire body.
Hit me again, then. This time don’t hold back. And this will be the last time I ever invite you to hit me.
My focus was fiercely clear. I did not hesitate once I was in position to strike. I threw the punch.
And in that moment my fear and I came to an understanding: I throw the punches.
What if My Future Wasn’t That Great?
Walking through an old neighborhood recently I paused opposite the house where my college boyfriend lived. Staring at that southern front porch I smiled at the countless hours we spent sitting there, him playing his guitar while we laughed and dreamed up our futures.
That version of my future never happened.
And I’m so grateful it didn’t.
Don’t misunderstand me; I’ve had my (countless) episodes of frustration, anger, resentment, fear, and general not knowing when it comes to the way certain events have unfolded in my life. I’ve certainly been on the side of believing something different was somehow supposed to happen when things didn’t go the way I imagined and/or planned for them to go.
Until I didn’t feel that way.
What if I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be because it’s right where I am?
What if what I envisioned for my ideal future wouldn’t have been so ideal?
What if I’m happier now than I ever could have possibly imagined at a different time in my life?
And what if instead of being a victim when life turns things upside down I turn them around and own all of it, and ask myself how I can be empowered by the not knowing?
That’s a future I can smile about.
Mile Marker 1.64
I love to run. No, not the I have to run a marathon to feel like I’m a runner kind of run. (And my hat is off to those who are that kind of a runner; I just don’t happen to include myself in your number.) I just like what happens to me mentally when I run, so when I don’t (or can’t) run for a while, I really miss the brainy benefits, plus I feel loads better physically, too :).
I haven’t been running in a while. A very long while.
It’s been 18+ months of inexplicable and frustrating hip pain and intensive work with both my physical therapist and my rolfer and I’m easing back into an exercise routine that works for me.
So last night stepping on that treadmill for the first time in a really long time felt a bit nostalgic and I smiled while warming up and searching my iPod for exactly the right audio program (which is always choosing between Steve Chandler and Steve Chandler: my amazing coach) to accompany what would surely be an easy run.
The Voices In My Head
Until I actually started to run and the smile quickly left my face. This wasn’t easy at all! Everything in me was screaming to stop the treadmill and get off! And the voices in my head were extremely chatty:
What was I thinking?
Maybe I shouldn’t be running at all.
I’m not ready for this.
What if I undo all the efforts to put me back together again? Who are you, Humpty Dumpty, all of a sudden?
What if walking will always be the better choice for me?
I’m probably never going to be the same again, so why bother?
All the while I ran, unwavering in my determination to last the next five minutes, and then five minutes more. I just kept running, quieting the naysayers inside my own head and started telling myself a different story:
You’re fine.
It’s just been a while.
You’ll get used to it again.
Building muscle takes time.
Keep running. You love this!
Pay attention to Steve, not your burning legs.
And then it happened: nothing was screaming or burning or dying or demanding a full stop. Quite the opposite: I wanted more.
Energy surged through my entire body, pulling me forward, wanting more. And I leaned into my run, ready now to go the distance.
Mile 1.64
I’m no expert on physical fitness training, but I’m pretty sure that what happened to me at mile 1.64 is not uncommon. So not uncommon, in fact, that we ALL experience this same phenomenon in our lives, whether on or off the running track.
Whenever I start something new it’s hard because I don’t understand how to do it. I don’t know what comes next. My learning curve is steep and if I look around me at other people doing what I want to do I’m discouraged because they’re so much better than me and it’s an oppressive weight thinking about everything I need to learn before I will be capable of running a marathon. And if I’m not careful, I quit long before I reach mile marker 1.64.
When I counter the negative story I’m playing on repeat with a new story — equally made up as the negative one — and tell myself I’m fine, stay the course, remember to breathe, and keep showing up (be consistent in my efforts), I arrive at mile marker 1.64 delighted with the surge of energy that infuses my entire being.
Run Into Your Ready
I run into my ready. I don’t start with it.
Starting is the hard part. We’re never ready for anything. How could we be? Don’t be fooled by your made up story about motivation, either!
Readiness takes time, so just start your project, open the business, share your idea, write the story, create the blueprint, design the website, register the LLC, commit yourself!!! And before you realize it, you’ll be ready to go your distance around mile marker 1.64.
What is it you want to accomplish, or create, or achieve, or learn, or share?
Grab a bottle of coconut water and lace up your runners. You’ll be ready to go after you get started. I promise.
Happy People Help
Unless you live under a rock, you don’t have to look very far before the realities of the suffering of so many around the world crosses your path in some form or another. Whether you’re following the current stories of the Ebola breakout in West Africa, the oxymoronic war for peace in Gaza, or the siege being staged on Ukrainian soil, there is much for us to understand politically, economically, religiously, culturally and ethically before we can then process all of it through our own lens of humanity. The world can feel downright overwhelming — and those are just a few examples on the global front. We haven’t even touched domestic issues. And we won’t. Not here. This isn’t a political post. Not by any stretch.
It’s easy to get caught up in universal suffering, though, isn’t it? To forget to remember that behind all those bazillion stories all bleeding together into one giant cesspool that there are individual people, families, lovers, musicians, students, children, employers, puppies, goldfish bowls and dreamers living amongst the chaos we call being human. (Please check out the remarkable work of photographer Brandon Stanton, who puts faces and stories and life together in one accessibly beautiful package.)
And when we are guilty of being in “that forget about it place,” we are depressed for others’ plight, sad for the suffering, worried about the future, focused on how unfair the world is, and we feel trapped and so we do nothing, and likely move on with our normal activity, relieved it has nothing to do with us and grateful it isn’t us on the other side of the story.
But our lives aren’t all lemons or lollipops. Despair or exhilaration. Misery, just like happiness, is a choice. And while bad and horrible things do happen, our response to them is a choice.
When I was a little girl I loved singing “If You’re Happy and You Know It” and coming up with all sorts of crazy actions to insert at the chorus line to show how happy I was.
There’s a simple message here: happiness begets action!
We can DO SOMETHING to benefit others when they are suffering. We can DO SOMETHING when we, ourselves, are hurting. We can DO SOMETHING to express on the outside the joy we feel on the inside because we know that happiness is never a destination in life; it is the way to live from the inside out. And rather than become bogged down and depressed by life, allow your happiness to positively impact others.
Steve Chandler, my remarkable coach, puts it this way in his book Time Warrior:
Happy people help more people than “concerned,” “caring,” “sensitive” people who over-emphasize “feeling empathy” instead of actually rolling up their sleeves, getting their hands dirty and helping.
Recently our social media news-feeds were bombarded with videos of friends, colleagues and celebrities dousing themselves with buckets of ice water to raise awareness and money for the non-profit ALS Association. While seeing others get startling wet is entertaining, this campaign is a wonderful reminder to choose action over passivity. Don’t get wet to simply have fun and be part of a worldwide water game. Choose to get wet because you choose to make a difference.
Maybe ALS isn’t your thing and it’s not a cause you want to support. Maybe there’s another cause that calls to you more loudly. Answer it. Create it. Choose it. Be about the business of DOING, rather than sorrowing.
Let this year’s #IceBucketChallenge be your personal call to action to share the happiness inside of you, to get outside of your own perceived suffering and to remember that happiness begets action and when we act we impact life.
But only every time.