Arminda Lindsay

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Beware of Dog

November 28, 2016 By Arminda

beware-of-dog

In ancient Pompeii homeowners used large intricate tiles in their entryway floor to ward off potential intruders; BEWARE OF DOG signs have been around for ages, it seems. Whether the dog is real is irrelevant; it’s the thought there might be a dog that triggers a fear and an inability to move ahead that the BEWARE OF DOG signs illicit, rendering the signs so effective, thus preventing any perceived negative advances.

I often work with clients who are deeply frustrated with themselves because they’re not achieving their goals and feel anger, anxiety and hold themselves in severe self judgment at how seemingly long it’s taking them to gain any traction toward their next big thing, or each time they attempt a step toward their goal they experience extreme resistance around the very thing they say they want to do.

If this is you, then in my experience you’re completely normal.

Most likely you’ve got a “tile” of thought warning you against proceeding, so every time you come up close to progress you hit internal resistance and hold yourself back.

What’s most interesting is the buried, or competing, thought: you aren’t consciously aware of its existence. Look underneath what you’re not accomplishing to discover your block.

What’s the worst thing that could happen if you succeed, if you do the thing you’re NOT doing?

Too often we have a great plan and a vision and we stay out in that expansive space and get overwhelmed at all that has to happen to realize the vision, so we do nothing. It’s great to have a plan and a vision, but then we must pull it all back to center and see what the one next thing is and do that, rather than thinking the big plan and vision should be complete at conception and then we judge ourselves for not having done it and we create distance from the very thing we think we’re supposed to be doing and creating.

Good grief. That’s exhausting.

My assumption is the judgment and misidentification of yourself is your “tile.”

Who would you be without all those thoughts, without that “tile”?

When you expose the tile, you also expose the thought’s irrelevance. Remember it’s only the thought there might be a dog that prevents an intruder from breaking in. The same is true for you. It’s only the made up thoughts you’re having that are preventing you from moving forward.

Identify and expose your internal competition. Then step out of your own way, stop making up stuff and move forward — one step at a time.

There is no dog.

Filed Under: Weekly Wisdom Tagged With: obstacles, self judgment, success

Self Forgiveness

September 22, 2016 By Arminda

In response to the article I wrote about self-judgement I recorded this video to support you in your efforts to walk through the steps of forgiving. Remember, this is a practice and should be treated as such. It will likely feel foreign and perhaps even weird or uncomfortable at first, but keep going. Don’t give up after your first attempt. And let me know if you’d like some additional support; sometimes it’s perfect to have someone else guide you through the process. You can email me at <coach @ armindalindsay dot com>.

Loving you,
arminda

Filed Under: Ask Arminda Videos, Coaching Tagged With: forgiveness, self forgiveness, self judgment, self love, self trust

Judgment Just Hit The Fan

September 19, 2016 By Arminda

judgment-just-hit-the-fan

Let’s Get Personal

Today I want to share something much more personal than I’ve shared in previous posts. I want to talk about what I know about judgment, particularly self judgment, and the consequences of those judgments.

I’m notoriously hard on myself and often catch myself berating and belittling Me for choices I’ve made, for behaviors I’ve displayed, and lately, for feelings I’m experiencing. I don’t think I’m alone in this, but you decide where you are on the self-beratement scale while I continue my personal sharing.

Today marks the start of my third full week alone; I said goodbye to my college freshman daughter on Tuesday, August 30, and flew home by myself on Wednesday, August 31, so I’ve been with this aloneness for 18 consecutive days now.

In these past 18 days I’ve had oral surgery, recovered from said surgery, cleaned my house of “extra” furniture, staged my home to look like it’s perfectly clean and tidy 100% of the time, listed it for sale, packed up my 52-pound dog and driven around town every time strangers requested to look inside our space, maintained my client schedule, stuffed my humidifier into my dirty clothes hamper because I kept forgetting to put it in the attic as it’s too personal an item to have out when you have prospective buyers in, officially went under contract with a buyer, found a new place to live and made a deposit, freaked out about whether the new place was the right place and spent hours looking for a different new place only to realize the new place where I made the deposit is still the right place, read three books, learned the second year of my course in Spiritual Psychology is no longer being offered this year, watched a lot of internet tv, wrote daily, and constantly missed my daughter.

My Judgments About All of That

  • I judged myself for the way I looked post-surgery
  • I judged myself for how much time it took to feel “normal” post-surgery
  • I judged myself for how much unnecessary stuff had accumulated in my house over the past 12 years of living here
  • I judged myself for how little time I was spending with my clients because of all the other directions in which I was committing my time
  • I judged myself for not having put the humidifier away a long time ago AND I judged myself for not having sanitized it yet
  • I judged my judgment on my choice of where I’m living next
  • I judged myself for not having read more than three books — how will I ever get through my list and be the best coach if I’m not always learning?
  • I judged myself for not having a plan in place when the university emailed me about the delay in my planned course of study
  • I judged myself for watching so much tv and for wasting my life and all this time I now have
  • I judged myself for writing while I was tired and for probably not writing while at my best
  • I judged myself for not getting over missing my daughter
  • I judged myself for feeling lonely
  • I judged myself for wasting this amazing new chapter of my life

I’ll stop here with the judgments. I think you get the idea.

Judgment Truths

There are some very important truths about judgment that once understood help me avoid the trap AND it’s easier for me to reroute myself when I’m heading down the self-judgment path.

Judgment of any kind, whether of self or of others, can only create separation. Consider a time you’ve judged someone else as being wrong, hurtful, out of line, or inappropriate. How did you feel toward that person alongside your judgment of them? Cozy? Close? Warm? Affectionate? No?! You likely distanced yourself emotionally, mentally and/or physically. That’s because judgment creates separation. But only every time.

I’ve been in such severe judgment of myself these last couple of weeks and I’m not surprised at the amount of internet tv I’ve been watching; I don’t want to be with myself because I’m so disappointed in my behavior that I keep looking for ways to get away from me. The more I judge myself for what I’m not doing, the more I don’t do those very things for which I’m judging myself. Vicious.

Judgment also creates physical exhaustion. It’s no surprise that I have been completely wiped out these last 18 days! I can hardly get out of bed in the morning and can’t wait to fall into bed at night. The other day I took a three-hour nap late in the afternoon and was in bed asleep by 10:00 that same night. Judging myself is hard work and it takes its toll on me in a very physical way.

Forgiveness

When I recognize I’m in a pattern of judgment, I slow myself way down. I work with my coach to identify the source of the judgment: my personal why. And as soon as I see it: the real reason why I’m so upset, the judgments tend to unravel themselves one at a time. Once I see my upset up close and personal, I can work with that and drop all my judgments in the process. And when I drop my self judgments, I can forgive myself for judging myself. That’s a beautiful process, forgiving myself, because only then am I able to see the truth about Me, the truths that up until now were taking a beating in their effort to be seen and heard and experienced. And the truth statements are the best part. I speak those out loud because I need to hear them, to be reminded of what is true, of who I am BEing.

My Truths

The truth is, I’ve been doing the best I can these last 18 days.
The truth is, I’ve been doing a lot more than I’ve allowed myself to see.
The truth is, I’m grieving the absence of my daughter and it’s okay to feel sad and lonely sometimes.
The truth is, I’m making a lot of life changes and the decisions that are required are going to feel bigger than they are.
The truth is, I can just have fun with all of these changes because they’re only as serious as I make them.
The truth is, I’m doing great.
The truth is, everything always works out for me.

Thank you for allowing me to share my personal experience with self-judgment. I know I’m not alone in this habit. If there’s something I’ve shared that is particularly helpful for you, please use it. And if there’s a judgment you’re carrying that you’re struggling to forgive and turn around into a truth, please email me <coach @ armindalindsay dot com> and share it with me so I can support you in your work. You can drop the judgment. I promise.

Loving you,
arminda

Filed Under: Weekly Wisdom Tagged With: judgment, self criticism, self forgiveness, self judgment, self love, truth

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