Arminda Lindsay

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Choose Your Own Adventure

June 5, 2017 By Arminda

Reading has always been a vital part of my life. It was not uncommon for me to beg my mother to drive me to the library once a week during the long months of summer vacation so I could restock my exhausted book supply. I would decide how many books were enough to take home based solely on how many I could safely carry at one time wedged between my chin and the farthest reach of my hands in the opposite direction, using myself as a walking bookend.

I immersed myself in books, escaping to lands far away and imagined, some with completely otherworldly plots and some whose stories didn’t seem so far-fetched. I loved nothing more than to escape through the pages of books to places and people and creatures I believed to be as real as the pages I turned in real time, becoming so immersed in these alternate realities I legitimately believed I was part of the unfolding saga.

When Choose Your Own Adventure books hit the scene my enthusiasm could not be sated. I devoured these books, always reading them from start to stop as many times as I could choose a different direction to guide the fate of the main character through one seemingly critical decision after another, never tiring of the delightful discovery of how one choice could lead to such different consequences and possible outcomes. When I came to the conclusion of a series of choices, I happily turned back to page one and started over again, always choosing differently than my previous read through the same plot.

I’ve come to understand that my life is no different than the storybooks I’ve always loved to read. And up until a few years ago, I was so invested in believing my own story to be true that I was no more writing my story as much as I was allowing it to be written by everything and everyone around me. I was a character in my own story, but one who existed at the mercy of the plot unfolding around me.

Through a series of conscious choices that included working with a coach, I realized my life, and the story about it in my own mind, wasn’t one I had to believe as fact any longer. I had become so accustomed to living my life as it happened, attributing the good stuff to luck and faithfulness and the bad stuff to lessons I must still need to learn and faithlessness, that I failed to see the adventure option in front of me, to turn to a different page for a different outcome. So I began testing the idea of my life as a Choose Your Own Adventure instead of a travelogue of What Happened To Me.

Testing this idea of choice felt like a game, and playing inside of my life was definitely more fun than watching it happen in front of me without my participation. It took some practice, certainly, but actively choosing how I interacted with and interpreted the myriad life situations happening outside of my control created a surprising result. Losing my attachment to being in control had the opposite effect! Instead of feeling like an unwilling participant in a game of chance, I slowly became the controller and creator of my own game: The Story of Me.

Stephen Covey, in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, attributes Viktor Frankl, well-known neurologist, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, with the following quote:

“Between stimulus and response lies a space. In that space lie our freedom and power to choose a response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness.”

Frankl’s theory proved accurate for me. I started to see that I was actually interpreting events and other people’s behavior as having caused me pain or joy, as negative or positive, bad or good. Those interpretations were, in fact, my own personal judgments: thoughts inside of me that I chose to believe as truth, and then I reacted accordingly.

When I practice an intentional period of separation between what Frankl refers to as the stimulus and the response I give myself time to consider my reaction. This practice is not dissimilar to my childhood training of counting to ten before saying something I might regret.

Through this practice, which I still maintain, I spend more and more time in Frankl’s space between stimulus and response. The growth and happiness I experience are directly related to the choices I’m making in that space. No longer am I emotionally exhausted by the constant barrage of my own judgments about what other people are doing or saying as having anything to do with me.

When I feel frustrated or stuck, I simply look to see where I’m not choosing my own adventure and then I happily turn back a few pages and start over again, returning to the awareness that emotional freedom and power are always available to me through a different choice.

Filed Under: Blog, Weekly Wisdom Tagged With: choices, failure, fear, fear of failure, happiness, Viktor Frankl

Self-Trust Deficit

June 6, 2016 By Arminda

Self-Trust DeficitI am never surprised to learn that my clients don’t trust themselves; they subconsciously (and sometimes consciously) see themselves as liars. Lacking self-trust is so common that I see it in virtually every setting in which I work. The internal gap between trust and doubt is created by not keeping commitments and agreements with yourself. Over time, the more promises you don’t keep with yourself, the bigger that gap becomes. Eventually, your ability to believe anything you tell yourself is so diminished, you might not even set or keep goals at all.

Weight loss — who are you kidding? I’ve tried every diet and can’t last a week.
Taking time off — I know it would be good for me, but I have too much to do and bills to pay, plus I’ll get time and a half if I volunteer for the holiday weekend.
Spending more time with the family — Look, I want my team to know how important they are and giving them 24/7 access to me is a way for me to stay connected to them and what’s going on with our customers. I don’t think my family suffers from a few text messages during dinner.
Cleaning out the garage — I’ll get around to it eventually; I know I’ve been saying I’d do it for a while now, but when I’m off work I deserve a break!

Spending any time at all rationalizing and justifying your reasons for not following through and keeping your agreements with yourself is a great indicator that your reserves are low. Feelings of failing, being incapable, inadequate, unfit, not as good as, not meeting expectations, and/or unmotivated are common when that store of self trust has been depleted.

Most Important Point:

Know that you are not your failure or your performance.

A Simple Way to Rebuild Your Low Supply

Identify something that excites you right now that would be fun for you to do.

Start small. And by small, I mean really small. Before rushing out to commit to any programs, books or memberships, commit for today — just one day.

For example, if you’ve always wanted to lose weight, but feel daunted by the scope of the task, don’t set a weight goal that with the best of coaches would take you a year to achieve.

Simply decide to take yourself for a walk today. And that’s it.

Can you tell yourself you’re going to walk today and then do it? You’ve kept an agreement with yourself.

You’re amazing!

Now take a mental snapshot, a time stamp if you will, of this moment in time when you decided and went for a walk. This way, the next time that voice of self doubt comes forward (like tomorrow, for example), you need only flip open your mental file and access the  experience of walking yesterday in such a way that it informs today’s decision. You can remind yourself that you can trust you. You now have proof that when you trust yourself and when you trust your choices, you create exactly what you want.

Rinse, lather and repeat that tomorrow and then again the day after tomorrow.

Every day you need only decide today to take yourself for a walk.

Do not set a goal farther away than one day.

Remember, this exercise is for anyone whose self-trust is low or non-existent. The objective is to build your trust to a place from which bigger and bigger commitments can be made and kept.

Consider the reasons you may be in the position you are currently: it’s due to the fact that in the past, commitments were made and not kept, some small, many large and over time those withdrawals created the current deficit.

Also note this works in any setting: personal or professional. Tasks and goals and dreams exist within us and want to be realized. The steps outlined above will get you to a different place of building yourself as a resource.

If you’d like some support on your journey, send me an email <coach@armindalindsay.com> and tell me your new goal for today and why you selected it. I’ll email something back to you that might be useful for you.

Loving you,
arminda

Filed Under: Blog, Coaching, Weekly Wisdom Tagged With: choices, decisions, failure, inadequacy, indecision, poor performance, self doubt

Happen it Now

May 30, 2016 By Arminda

Happen It Now

During a recent conversation with my friend and colleague, Melissa Ford, we were discussing the inevitable changes that come with life. In my case, my daughter is graduating from high school this week and in August will be moving to another city to begin university. This life change brings with it many emotions and opportunities for personal growth and expansion.

My family includes myself, my (about to leave home for university) daughter, and our dog Eli. As we have been confronting these changes and watching copious amounts of the Gilmore Girls (but please no spoilers, we haven’t completed the original series yet), we are experiencing a range of emotions that run the gamut of excited and thrilled for what’s next to freaking out that it’s happening so fast and life is going to be so different and scary because of all the unknowns.

Normal.

For years I’ve been saying that when my daughter leaves for school my plan was to pack up and move myself somewhere else. Destination TBD.

Two days ago during a friendly conversation with a friend, I casually mentioned my intention to move later this year. When asked my timeline and whether I intended to sell my place, I gave my typical responses: Sometime after September and undecided.

“Well if you’re going to sell, summertime is probably the time to sell,” was all she said.

What a revelation. My denial tactics had abruptly come to an end. This was all happening whether I admitted it or not. My daughter is actually graduating high school. On Thursday! And she is, in fact, moving to another city that I will have to reach by plane when I want to see her. In August!

I really challenged myself — was I “all in” with my decision to make some changes in my own life, or have I just been saying that to avoid deciding what’s next for me? If I’m all in, as my friend and colleague Chris Dorris reminds us (reply to this email if you’d like his audio program on commitment), the next steps become apparent as you take them. You don’t need to think about it; you just do.

When I slowed myself down long enough to question my position, my mindset, I knew my truth: I’m all in. I am decided. I made a commitment to ME.

So if you’re in the neighborhood or know someone interested in a lovely well-kept home, mine’s officially on the market.

Here’s to summertime and saying yes.

Because if it’s happening anyway, why wait? Jump in. Happen it now and create the adventure as you go.

Loving you,
arminda

Filed Under: Blog, Coaching, Weekly Wisdom, Writing Tagged With: change, choices, Chris Dorris, commitment, Eli the Pitbull, Gilmore Girls, life change, Melissa Ford

Your Essentials

May 16, 2016 By Arminda

Your Essentials

Whether you’re going on an extended trip or just across the hall into the conference room for a presentation, make sure you’ve packed exactly what you need.

Your internal toolkit contains all your essentials:

  1. Personal Theme Song
  2. Laughter
  3. Signature Dance Moves
  4. Neutral Lenses
  5. Service Mindset
  6. Creative Outlook
  7. Love

#1 Personal Theme Song

Absolutely never ever leave home without this. You might have a different theme song for each day of the week, or for different experiences (making sales calls get one song, while presenting to your team has another). Stop whatever you’re doing right now and tell me your theme song!

#2 Laughter

Life is way too important to be taken seriously. Just ask my friends Steve & Jason of The Not So Serious Life; they regularly share their not serious opinions on all sorts of serious issues. And Bernie Glassman offers great advice in The Dude and the Zen Master:

“Let me give you a wonderful Zen practice. Wake up in the morning…look in the mirror, and laugh at yourself.”

#3 Signature Dance Moves

No one needs to see you. You don’t need to see you. Move. Just dance.

#4 Neutral Lenses

Remember that information is neutral until you assign meaning to it. See people and situations and experiences as if you’re gathering information; don’t interpret any of it too quickly.

#5 Serve

Serve at your earliest inconvenience. Serve from your heart. Serve without expectation of return. Serve because you love, not because you want. Your daughter asks you to play with her just as you’re on your way to a serious (see #2) business meeting? Drop and give her ten minutes.

Even after all this time,
The sun never says to the earth:
“You owe me!”

Look what happens with
A love like that!

It lights the whole sky!
— Hafiz

#6 Creative Outlook

What if you don’t know all the answers? HOORAY! What if the solution that worked last week no longer makes sense? HOORAY! What if you’ve been tasked with a seemingly-overwhelming project for which you feel completely unprepared? HOORAY! What if none of your hand-outs were printed and you don’t know it until five minutes before your presentation begins? HOORAY!

Given your situation, what would you like to create? 

#7 Love 

Robert Holden is my go-to guy on all things love-of-self-related. If you’ve not yet read his book Loveability, I recommend it immediately.

“Everyone we see is seen through the filter of our self-awareness. Therefore, how we see ourselves — loveable or unloveable — influences what we see in others.”

Love isn’t on your packing list as optional; it’s the one thing to be sure you grab if you run out of time and nothing else gets into your bag. Love is the essential.

Let me know if you’re unsure where it’s located or why it’s so important.

Loving you,
arminda

Filed Under: Blog, Happiness, Weekly Wisdom, Writing Tagged With: choices, happiness, love, service

Successful Mermaid

April 25, 2016 By Arminda

Successful Mermaid

I get it. I really do. You’re upset because you’re not where you thought you “should” be by now.

Mermaid
Homeowner
Fireman
Mother
Floor Supervisor
Chairman of the Board
College Graduate
CEO

Success, as you’ve been defining it, still isn’t yours and you’re upset because other people seem to have “it,” while you clearly still do not.

And while it’s easy to look around us and see what we lack that others have in spades, it’s never about that.

Scott Adams delineates the haves and the have nots:

“If you want success, figure out the price, then pay it. It sounds trivial and obvious, but if you unpack the idea it has extraordinary power. I know a lot of people who wish they were rich or famous or otherwise fabulous. They wish they had yachts and servants and castles and they wish they could travel the world in their own private jets. But these are mere wishes. Few of these wishful people have decided to have any of the things they wish for. It’s a key difference, for once you decide, you take action. Wishing starts in the mind and generally stays there.
When you decide to be successful in a big way, it means you acknowledge the price and you’re willing to pay it.”

The dividing line, then, is merely a decision.
What will you decide to decide?

Filed Under: Blog, Weekly Wisdom, Writing Tagged With: choices, decision, hustle, Scott Adams, success

Your Personal Ground Zero

April 18, 2016 By Arminda

Your Personal Ground Zero

SPOILER ALERT: There is no mecca to a better life.

Who you are is different from the thoughts you believe about yourself. That habit of believing your thinking is not who you are.

But only never.

That moment just before you have a thought about yourself? That’s who you really are.

Who you are IS happiness.

Your ground zero IS happiness.

Your natural and original state IS happiness.

There isn’t a magical elixir to consume, nor is there anything you can purchase, experience or renegotiate that will show you the way to inner fulfillment.

Aside from the biological needs of a baby and their only means of communication being tears, what’s their “natural” state of being? How you show up is who you BE.

We arrive happy and then spend a lifetime unlearning and forgetting about it, un-training every young child with whom we come in contact that happiness is the ever-elusive carrot dangling at the end of the proverbial stick.

Good News

There isn’t a 9-day intensive or a three-month workshop or a two-year masters’ program leading into a doctorate, at the conclusion of which you’ll get to defend a dissertation on your personal journey to joy and happiness.

You are not broken, in need of fixing, or on a journey.

You’re already there.

Your destination is you.

Practice Happy

  1. Notice your thoughts.
  2. Notice you are not your thoughts.
  3. Allow your thoughts to amuse and to entertain you.
  4. Do not make the mistake of believing your thoughts are true.

Filed Under: Blog, Weekly Wisdom, Writing Tagged With: choices, happiness, thinking, thoughts

Serve It Up

April 11, 2016 By Arminda

Serve It Up

Red Eye Flying

Ever taken a red-eye? They’re not my personal travel preference. But I’m so glad I was on this particular overnight flight.

There were just the two of us: me next to the window hoping to use said window to my sleepy advantage, and the complete stranger seated next to me on the aisle. No talking, just a brief hello and goodnight as we both did our best to comfortably position ourselves for an attempt at a five-hour rest.

Sometime around 2:00 in the morning, between awkward (and not very restful) head jerking sleep, I was awakened by my seat mate abruptly leaping to his feet and I watched him successfully catch a fellow passenger who fainted in the aisle next to him. After flight attendants had been summoned and the ailing passenger assisted back to his own seat (and administered oxygen), my seat mate calmly sat down again and fastened his seat belt and smiled at me as he apologized for waking me.

A bit wonder-struck at all I had just witnessed, I only smiled and assured him all was well. We said goodnight again, and both fussed around unsuccessfully to find another sleep position, and a moment later he invited me to use his shoulder. He said we both might sleep better propping each other than trying to figure it out alone, and at 2:15 in the morning, who can argue with that logic?

I slept soundly until the wheels touched down three hours later.

Fast Track Tip #4

And here is my fourth tip for you to instantly increase your emotional well-being: SERVE.

Service opportunities are rarely convenient, oftentimes they’re not fun (although not having fun is not a prerequisite to qualify for service), and they usually require a tradeoff of time for something else you’d rather be doing. . . until you show up for your service opportunity.

My airplane friend demonstrated selfless service — at the “inconvenient” hour of 2:00am — and because of his service a complete stranger was helped and I was gifted the most restful sleep possible in a most “inconvenient” and undesirable circumstance.  He also generously donated his in-flight blanket to me after witnessing me shiver (for longer than normal humans).

“There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.”  ― John Holmes

When I’m feeling sad, sorry for myself, lonely, upset, and generally hanging out at the bottom of my ladder, laughing, singing, and dancing are certainly useful tools for improving my emotional well-being, but acts of service have a magic all their own: they get me outside of myself.

Being outside of myself allows me to see how incredibly fortunate I am to be able to choose my interpretation of the events of my life. And when I see that I’m the one choosing to be miserable (every time), I make better choices.

If you were to serve at your earliest inconvenience AND to do it regularly, what might that do for your emotional wellness? What would you choose? What acts of service ignite joy in the gifting for you?

“Those who are happiest are those who do the most for others.”
― Booker T. Washington, Up From Slavery

If you want to be happy, be of service to others.

Filed Under: Blog, Weekly Wisdom, Writing Tagged With: choices, flying, happiness, Ladder of Consciousness, service

Fast Track Tip #3

April 4, 2016 By Arminda

Fast Track Tip #3

Curtain Rising

The auditorium was filled with a collective anticipation as the curtain rising revealed nine sequined bumblebees fidgeting in their leotards, buzzing to begin moving their newly-painted gold tap shoes to the well-rehearsed chords of the baby bumblebee song. It was the day I had anxiously anticipated for months and months, through all of our rehearsals and costume fittings and here I was: on the BIG stage.

Seated in the audience with my parents was also my Mom-Mom, my paternal grandmother, and she liked cats and monkeys, but I was nervous she might not be fond of bees. With each tap of my toe, hands firmly on my hips, I scanned the unseeable rows of seats for my people, certain that if Mom-Mom were there and I could see her seeing me, some magic might happen. What magic, I didn’t know.

And something magical did, indeed, happen, despite my not seeing anyone in the audience that night. As I tapped my way through the baby bumblebee song, arms and hands and head and feet all moving in rhythm and time to the beat, the anticipatory nerves and anxiety and fear of messing up my performance all lifted up and out of me, released into the nothing of dust particles scattering in the heat of the stage lighting. I WAS a bumblebee and I danced free — without nervous energy, or anxiety, or fear, or failure. I was pure bumbling joy and exhilaration.

After the performance when I did finally see my grandmother, she and I met each other in an embrace of bumblebee love and she gave me a slender glass vase that held three carnations (two pink, one white) and a tiny bumblebee, attached with wire to the stem of one flower, hovered just above the carnations.

Fast Track Tip #3

What I learned as a five-year-old bumblebee, I share with you now as the simplest method to increase your emotional well-being: just DANCE.

Skip, wiggle, do the Hokey Pokey, bring back the Electric Slide, or pick a decade whose dance moves resonate for you and duplicate them.

You don’t need a special someone watching from the audience. You don’t need an audience at all! This tip doesn’t even require gold-painted tap shoes, although if you’ve got a pair, definitely wear the tap shoes.

Spontaneous Dance Parties happen on the regular in my world.

Do a loony-goony dance
‘Cross the kitchen floor,
Put something silly in the world
That ain’t been there before. —Shel Silverstein, A Light in the Attic

And for your viewing pleasure, me: dancing.

Filed Under: Blog, Weekly Wisdom, Writing Tagged With: bumblebee, dance, dancing, happiness, Ladder of Consciousness

Fast Track Tip #2

March 28, 2016 By Arminda

Fast Track Tip #2

I Was Raised On Music

I have no memories that don’t include music.

None.

My parents loved music of all genres and had a record collection that I’m sure would be the envy of many vinyl collectors today and there was always music playing in the background of my childhood.

As a little girl, I loved accompanying my dad to the Southern States Feed Store early on a Saturday morning before the sun had had time to take the edge off the leftovers from last night’s dark. We’d climb into his red Ford pickup truck and he’d cinch the middle seatbelt snugly around my waist before clicking his own in place.

Then with his right elbow always slightly bumping me as he shifted gears, my dad would sing. His was an audience of one open-eared adoring fan with long blonde hair pulled into two ponytails on either side of her head. I knew every word to every song in his repertoire: from all the campfire funny songs to my personal favorite, “Old Man River,” sung in my dad’s beautiful deep bass that I could never match as I sang along.

Everything was always right in my world when my dad sang out loud.

One night — long after my sister Melanie and I had been tucked into bed — the finale to Rossini’s William Tell Overture came crashing through our bedroom door and giggling with delight, Melanie and I snuck down the hall and into the kitchen, grabbed the broom and galloped through the living room riding the broom in our nightgowns and laughing so hard we fell off our “horse” and Dad laughed and applauded our interpretation of the piece before sending us back to bed.

Fast Track Tip #2

Buddy the Elf is the ideal example of how this tip works and its effectiveness. Buddy teaches us that “the best way to spread Christmas Cheer, is singing loud for all to hear.”

I’ll amend his wisdom in the interest of making this very important second tip usable year-round and irreligious:

The best way to spread inner cheer is singing loud for YOU to hear.

And in case you’re worried you can’t or don’t know how to sing, Buddy has some helpful advice for you: “. . . [singing] is just like talking, except longer and louder, and you move your voice up and down.”

There you go.

That’s your second of four fast track tips!

SING!!

Sing alone, sing along, join a choir, make up songs, create your own playlist for singing, sing to your children, perform for your dog, make your own microphone for car performances (and an extra to keep in the house), just sing.

Can you sing and be unhappy at the exact same time? Try it. I dare you. I double and triple dog dare you. Yes, I just went there.

You cannot remain emotionally low if you are singing. Fast track your emotional self up through song.

If you need one more “note” of encouragement, please watch my all-time favorite song about singing:

Filed Under: Blog, Weekly Wisdom, Writing Tagged With: Buddy the Elf, childhood memories, choices, happiness, Ladder of Consciousness, music, sing

Fast Track Tip #1

March 21, 2016 By Arminda

Fast Track Tip #1

Avocados Are Trouble

It started with the avocado incident; slicing open my own finger is always* laugh-worthy to me.

But it wasn’t until right after we two friends posed for the above super-imposed shot “in front of” the Empire State Building that I noticed it: a spray of blood just below the words, “I ❤ Hass” on my white t-shirt. Oh, how we laughed and laughed and waited in line to distract the sales rep while we took this contraband image of our own picture.

New York City never looked so funny to me as it did that night from the top of it all.

Fast Track Tip #1

When you find yourself at the bottom of your emotional ladder you might feel sad, frustrated, angry, lonely, resentful, hurt, overwhelmed, or judgmental.

Fast track yourself toward the top of your emotional ladder by laughing. Laugh intentionally. And laugh quickly. Find something that is guaranteed to put a smile on your face and do it immediately.

Some of my favorite easy laugh options include:

  1. YouTube videos — they’re short and convenient for a quick pick-me-up
  2. Talking on behalf of my dog, Eli — seriously one of the funniest things I do (just ask me)
  3. Skipping — I was the champion skipper ages five AND six, no small feat I assure you
  4. The paperboy from Crazy Off Dead
  5. And the paperboy from While You Were Sleeping
  6. Basically the entire movie Elf — or this brilliant line will suffice
  7. Also, the entire movie The Emperor’s New Groove, but especially the Smash it With a Hammer! scene
  8. Hilarious Gandalf intervention — only Lord of the Rings fans need click this one
  9. Dramatic readings by the Muppets — what’s not to love about the Muppets?
  10. Reading my own Happy List — I keep a written daily record of things that make me laugh, smile, and that cause joy, and I’ve been tracking this for decades now.

Take some time right now to jot down your known methods for inducing laughter, and the next time you find yourself down, go straight to your list to get yourself back up.

If we’re going to laugh about it later, we might as well laugh about it now. — Dr. Mary Hulnick, Ph.D.

*Don’t worry; I have many stories I won’t be sharing with you in this forum.

Filed Under: Blog, Weekly Wisdom, Writing Tagged With: choices, happiness, Ladder of Consciousness, laughing, laughter

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