Arminda Lindsay

Being On Purpose

Sunrise

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sunrise

Every single morning I wake to the sunrise. This is a new phenomenon for me, having recently moved to a new city with a new view. Shockingly, even without me witnessing it, the sun has still been rising every single day.

Last night I was out for my evening walk with Eli and happily playing my made-up game of surrender. The rules are simple: I don’t choose which direction to walk; I follow the crosswalk signals only and we eventually find our way back to our building. I’ve had so much fun wandering in this way, following the lights and learning all sorts of things about the downtown streets and where they might lead me. Except last night’s game took an interesting twist when I disobeyed my own rules.

Thirty minutes into our adventure and approaching our next intersection, I distinctly felt pulled in the opposite direction of the current walk indicator light, so I decided to mix things up a bit and waited for the light to change, then followed my intuition. Within a few minutes we happened upon a small group of people gathered together, lovely music was being sung, and there was an excited energy permeating the square. We paused our walk to take a closer look and a lovely woman asked if I would please take her picture. Taking strangers’ photos is one of my favorite things to do, so agreeing was easy, but there was something about her, something in her eyes, something she needed and couldn’t speak, and I asked if I could also please give her a hug?

She silently nodded and as I embraced her she began to gently cry and I held her, making it safe for her to feel whatever she was feeling. I soon learned more about my new friend and the source of her tears and how my crossing her path was a gift for her.

I consider my breaking of my own rules to follow the light inside of me (rather than placing a greater value on the walk signals) to have been the highlight of my day. I was able to turn a game of “what’s next” into an awareness that “who’s next” is much more important.

When I get distracted by my own invented significance and become so focused on what I’m doing and what I’m creating and where I’m walking it’s as if I’m existing in my own cloudy haze and I neglect to notice the sun is always still rising and giving light despite my personal clouds.

When I quiet my notion that my agenda matters and look up and look inward, my clouds disperse and I see my own light is always still shining and showing me what to do and what to create and where to walk and with whom to connect and what to say. I also notice that same light exists within everyone around me, whether they see it or not.

Positive psychology expert Shawn Achor has outlined five essential daily tasks that together comprise the formula needed to live happier and more productive lives. And number five on that list is: deliberately perform random or conscious acts of kindness once a day.

Shockingly, even without you acknowledging it, your internal light still shines every single day. Light up the world and disperse the clouds around you by consciously losing yourself in some daily acts of kindness.

Good things happen and lives are impacted when you intentionally shine your light.

loving you,
arminda

Free Candy

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free-candy

American Halloween

The American tradition of Halloween has spread to many cultures, so you’re likely familiar with the concept of hordes of children dressing up in costumes, pretending to be something they’re not, and going door to door collecting free candy. I’ve never been, nor met, the child who doesn’t sincerely believe she IS on her inside whatever she’s parading on her outside through makeup and costume and sometimes just the right pair of shoes.

Personal Halloween

Personalities are just like costumes. It’s become a widespread tradition to dress up in a personality, pretending to be something you’re not, and go day-to-day collecting sympathy for “who you are.” I’ve rarely met an individual who doesn’t sincerely believe he IS on his inside exactly the personality he’s parading on his outside through stories from his past he cloaks himself in, as if they were fresh and relevant.

Don’t Pretend

Have you ever said, thought, or believed any variation of the following:

“I always. . . .”
“I never. . . .”
“That’s just the way I am. . . .”
“You know how I am. . . .”
“I have a tendency to. . . .”

These are statements of belief, of permanence, of irrefutable patterns over which you seemingly have no control. And if you believe your personal patterns are a thing at all, this is what Steve Chandler calls a “mental mistake.”

Anytime you do or don’t do something and blame it on your so-called personality, you are “going back into your past to find the patterns and tendencies that explain it. You refuse to see that the past is over. It counts for nothing. Your word counts for everything. Your word you give yourself on whether you are going to do something.”

Why would you do that, you might wonder?

Because most of us spend most of our lives afraid of what might happen in our non-existent made-up futures, so instead we spend our time avoiding.  Avoiding our own potential, avoiding the things we don’t like, avoiding what we fear, avoiding what we hope won’t happen, avoiding conversations, and the list goes on.

“. . . we are using our creative imagination in the most negative, perverse way because we are using it to worry about the imaginary negative future. The antidote to that. . . is to reconnect human beings to their innate natural birthright of pure creativity” (Steve Chandler).

New Costumes

If you spend any amount of time with young children, you might observe their tendency to not limit their dressing up in costumes to October 31. In reality, children play make believe every single day. And their costumes are widely varied and not dependent on what they pretended they were the previous day. They are constantly creating new versions and visions of themselves. Additionally, they don’t even require external costumes to act out their internal stories of their own greatness and creativity.

What would it take for you to shed your costume of personality and step into your “birthright of pure creativity”? Does it seem frightening? Are you worried you’ll mess it up? That others might laugh at you? That you’ll have regrets?

Steve Chandler suggests the following encouragement:

Just jump in. Forget about making the right choice, and forget about being afraid of your intuition leading you wrong, and forget about attaching a story of regret to a time in your life when you were doing the best you could and then now looking back you are going to attach a story of regret to it — there’s no value in that. You can’t be creative when you’re taking things personally.”

Try on new ideas, test a new pattern, make up a version and a vision of yourself that you haven’t seen yet and go dream to dream collecting a bag full of encouragement from yourself because who you are is entirely up to you.

Loving you,
arminda

Steve Chandler quotes are from chapters 31 and 33 of Steve’s book:
The Life Coaching Connection; How Coaching Changes Lives 

The Illusion of Control

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During a recent trip to the Boston area I was staying with friends in the suburbs and decided to take the train into downtown. After purchasing my ticket I made my way to the platform and enjoyed the beautiful fall weather as I sat on the bench, having plenty of time awaiting the arrival of the 12:40. At the appointed time, the train approached the depot and I realized (too late) that it was stopping much farther away from me than where I was standing. As I ran to try and reach one of the cars the engineer slowly inched the train forward until it was coming toward me faster than I could reach it, and as the train completely passed me by the conductor shouted to me that I should have paid better attention to the signs. I had mistaken the benches where I was sitting for the platform, itself, and thereby missed the train.

I’m no rookie when it comes to public transportation, but this was a classic first-timer mistake.
Surveying the schedule, the next train wouldn’t be available for another two hours.
Before I allowed frustration, anger, self judgment, and/or judgment against the engineer and conductor for not allowing me on when they clearly could see I was there to get on the train, I walked back to the store where I’d purchased my one-way pass and asked for a refund, which I received.

My knee-jerk reaction was astonishment, judgment and anger, but I replaced it with laughter, taking myself right back up my emotional ladder and called for a car to carry me into the city.

I arrived downtown with seven minutes to spare before my daughter finished her class and our afternoon plans commenced.

Easy.

Especially when I remember that everything always works out for me.

Funnily enough, the very next day neither the train nor the bus ever arrived at my out of town station, leaving me once again out of (illusory) control of my situation and my intended transportation.

Drs. Ron & Mary Hulnick describe control as being “based on the ego’s search for comfort, safety, and security; and its effort to hold everything in place. It’s basically a survival mechanism marketed as a means to attain what most people desire — especially money, sex, and power. The ego creates a picture of the ideal way things (life, the world) should be, and then it uses control to try to make reality match its ideal” (Loyalty to Your Soul, 24).

Both days as soon as I let go of the illusion of control of my situation, options immediately became apparent to me. And both days I was able to easily and effortlessly find my way downtown without stress or upset to my inner peace or to my plans with my daughter.

Is there an illusion of control managing any aspects of your life: personally and/or professionally?
What options might be available to you if you let go of the illusion?

Are there any other modes of transportation operating in the periphery of your life?

Real control comes when you let go of the illusion you have any control at all.

But only every time.

Loving you, arminda

Use This Door

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I have a friend who always said to me, “Don’t tell me what to do!” And every time she said that it would give me pause as I mentally rewound the conversation to determine whether I had, in fact, just told her what to do, or whether she was being silly (again). More times than not I realized I had issued a directive, but never consciously with intent to have my own way or to be manipulative. And since my friend was so willing to call me out every single time I did so, I soon became self-aware enough to stop myself from continuing the practice.

As I work with my clients, I am not surprised to discover that many of them haven’t noticed that they are living their lives based largely on what they’ve been told to do. So many of us exert a lot of energy making small and large decisions solely to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings, or disappointing a loved one, without thoughtfully considering what we would choose if we didn’t feel guilt or obligated to continue on the path outlined.

Think about it. Have you made a decision for that reason? Have you avoided doing something, or not been entirely forthcoming, for that reason?

You’re not alone.

But just because someone who loves you had an idea about what you should be when you grew up, doesn’t mean that you shared the same vision for yourself. And how long did it take you to realize that law school, or the military, or taking over the family business wasn’t as satisfying or exhilarating or fulfilling as you thought it should be? And do you now feel stuck? Obligated to stay? Frightened about what might happen if you should switch things up a bit?

I get it. And I understand.

What would happen if you practiced saying, “Don’t tell me what to do!” to yourself, to the voice inside your head that keeps issuing directives? (And just for grins and giggles, the next time you notice that voice — also notice whose voice it is that you’re hearing. I am willing to bet it’s not your own, but someone else’s.)

What if before you make your next move on auto-pilot, you switch back to manual and check in with yourself to be sure you’re not acting simply because your next step was outlined for you.

Just because all external signs point toward one door doesn’t mean you can’t choose a different door altogether.

You tell you what to do.

Loving you,
arminda

PURPOSELESS IS NOT DIRECTIONLESS

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There are EIGHT children in my family and my seven siblings were all overtly creative. I had brothers who could draw, sisters who could sing, other brothers who were just downright clever and still other brothers who could sing AND play instruments. There was seemingly no shortage of artistic ability in my immediate gene pool. Then there was me; I liked to read. I didn’t draw, or sing, or make anyone laugh, nor was I particularly clever. I did play the clarinet, but only because everyone else in my family played instruments. I was always embarrassed and a little bit ashamed of how not creative or artistic I was. Being a “Lindsay” meant being those things, so I never thought I fit or belonged in my family of origin because I didn’t relate to any of the obvious gifts and talents my brothers and sisters clearly possessed. 
When I tried to figure out what I was supposed to be when I grew up, which would be largely influenced by my course of study at university, I experienced a lot of stress around choosing a major. Ultimately I chose to study history and English, but this was only after I’d first chosen to pursue theatre, as it was a creative outlet where I felt comfortable and confident, but quickly changed my mind after my dad openly disapproved of my choice. But I never stopped judging myself for not being “properly” creative, and that judgment influenced decades of my life.
For years I wondered and wandered inside my own head, worrying that I might not have a purpose, or that my only purpose was to be a mother to my daughter and was that it? Was that the only reason I was here? Please don’t misunderstand me. Being a mom is THE coolest thing I’ve ever done, but fulfilling my life’s purpose over an eighteen year window of my life didn’t seem like “IT” for me! And there were definitely times during those eighteen years when I felt completely out of my league and still without purpose! Wasn’t there something bigger for me to yet accomplish?
And today I learned something I’m going to share with each of you: purpose doesn’t matter. If you don’t have a purpose, don’t sweat it. Purpose and direction are different things and being without a purpose doesn’t mean you’re without direction. In fact, Steve Chandler said (I heard him with my own ears and saw him say this with my own eyes) “If I get over myself, creativity just comes through me!” 
And that’s it: if I get out of my own way and stop trying to force myself to BE anything, or to find or to assign a purpose to my life, direction appears. If I’m not constantly looking for what I think should be happening, I can clearly see what’s next. And that is the direction I move. I take one step at a time, allowing my life and my energy source and my natural state (happiness and joy) to guide me. Life is already and always showing me how to live it, one step and one day at a time. I don’t have to force my own opinions (ego) onto what is naturally better and more amazing all on its own. 
Am I creative? I AM a Lindsay, after all! I’m one of the most creative people I know, but it’s taken me decades to see my own creativity because first I had to sidestep my ego to reveal how much creativity wants to come through me. Now my relationship with creativity is a daily love affair. I never know what we’re going to do together, but we are happily inseparable. 
The only thing I ask myself every day is “What will I create today?” And then I go and do it. That, my friends, is direction. If there’s a purpose that appears along the way, then fine. Otherwise, I’m perfectly content to stay in my daily inquiry because being out of my own way allows creativity to flow through me.
What will you create today?

For, Not To

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The morning of our final full day in Italy our B&B host drove us to the bus stop to catch the 11:15 down the mountain. We arrived at 10:55 followed by the bus five minutes later, departing with us on it well before 11:15. Had we arrived any later than we did, we wouldn’t have made it down the mountain until nightfall, completely canceling our option to visit Pompeii, which was by far one of our favorite experiences the entire trip.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The bus took us down most of the mountain until the bus broke and then we stood on the side of the road with the other passengers waiting for a not broken bus to replace our broken one. The second bus deposited us what felt like a mile from the train station, which we located only with the help of a kind fellow bus passenger, and secured passage on the local to Pompeii, where we spent the entire afternoon roaming chariot-rutted streets and long-ago abandoned buildings.

I ate my final pizza. 

After walking around Pompeii all afternoon we got back on the local train to continue our way to Naples, standing the entire trip because the train was overflowing with passengers. From the Naples depot, we took a taxi to our hotel and then walked to a nearby market for some snacks and collapsed in our room for the night, knowing our airport departure time would come much sooner than our bodies wanted to allow.

I thought a lot about that experience, even in the middle of it. Actually, especially in the middle of it — that part when the bus broke down and no one spoke any English and I watched other passengers wander away from the group and I wondered whether we were totally on our own to find new transportation for the remainder of a trip whose route I did not know? Or was I meant to stand in the middle of the road in front of the now defunct bus? Had I correctly understood the message the driver animatedly tried to communicate? Nothing was immediately apparent to me, except my feeling of immense responsibility for the safety of my daughter, niece and sister-in-law, all of whom were traveling with me.

And I decided to let it go, to drop my attachment to any feelings of frustration, anger or fear about what was happening. I had zero control over the situation with the bus and, therefore, zero control over what might happen next. So instead of being upset at the bus breaking down, I took a picture of the roadsigns directly above my head and smiled at how beautiful a day it was and if we had to stand in the middle of this Italian mountain village, then I was certainly glad the sun was shining! Besides, what’s a good adventure without a transportation mishap somewhere along the way? And within minutes a fresh working bus arrived to carry us the rest of the way down the mountain.

As I considered my entire three weeks traveling through Italy I am aware that we arrived every single place we wanted, saw every single thing we wanted to see, found every single house, apartment, hotel, or B&B we booked, were always safe, never missed an experience, and even discovered new delights that expanded our lives and world view because we could see that everything happens for us, not to us, and everything always works out for us.

That’s the way it always is. There are lots of variations and ways to say that life happens for you, not to you, and once you see that, life gets a whole lot better. Steve Chandler posits this shift in perspective is the difference between being a victim of your life and its owner. I like to see it as being the creator of my experience because with every single out of my control occurrence, I get to make a choice. I can choose to react (victim) or I can choose to act (create).

The bus is going to break down. 

Breakdowns and unknowns are a given. Do better than “just deal with it.” Choose to be expanded by the breakdown moments and see that they happen for you. No one is against you. Not the bus, not its driver, not the other passengers, not the universe. There is no universe. There’s only you and the stories you make up inside your own head. So if you’re struggling with a case of “I can’t believe this is happening to me,” then shift your perspective. Create a new story.

Play with the possibility that what’s happening is for your benefit.
What can you see when you rise up to street sign height?
Or higher?
The sky is gorgeous from up here.
Do yourself a favor and celebrate how for you it all is.

Loving you,
arminda

Wrong Doesn’t Equal Right

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Have you ever looked behind yourself at the choices you’ve made, the relationships you’ve experienced, the jobs you’ve held, the courses you’ve taken, and vilified any of them because something better or different came along? Perhaps a friendship ran its course and you’re no longer in contact with one another? Maybe you were offered a better position at a different company and suddenly your former employer has lots of faults you’re happy to share with your new co-workers?

What if you could still pass “Go!” and collect your $200.00 (Monopoly reference) without making anything from your past wrong to justify where you are today?

Enjoy this video and let me know what you think.

Relationship Building

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Oftentimes our business relationships are so far removed from the way we maintain and nurture our personal relationships we forget what makes our personal relationships so meaningful: connection.

What would it look like to treat our professional relationships with the same level of attention and purpose as we do our personal relationships? How might that affect and impact the bottom line?

What if connection is code for service?

Self Forgiveness

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In response to the article I wrote about self-judgement I recorded this video to support you in your efforts to walk through the steps of forgiving. Remember, this is a practice and should be treated as such. It will likely feel foreign and perhaps even weird or uncomfortable at first, but keep going. Don’t give up after your first attempt. And let me know if you’d like some additional support; sometimes it’s perfect to have someone else guide you through the process. You can email me at <coach @ armindalindsay dot com>.

Loving you,
arminda

Judgment Just Hit The Fan

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Let’s Get Personal

Today I want to share something much more personal than I’ve shared in previous posts. I want to talk about what I know about judgment, particularly self judgment, and the consequences of those judgments.

I’m notoriously hard on myself and often catch myself berating and belittling Me for choices I’ve made, for behaviors I’ve displayed, and lately, for feelings I’m experiencing. I don’t think I’m alone in this, but you decide where you are on the self-beratement scale while I continue my personal sharing.

Today marks the start of my third full week alone; I said goodbye to my college freshman daughter on Tuesday, August 30, and flew home by myself on Wednesday, August 31, so I’ve been with this aloneness for 18 consecutive days now.

In these past 18 days I’ve had oral surgery, recovered from said surgery, cleaned my house of “extra” furniture, staged my home to look like it’s perfectly clean and tidy 100% of the time, listed it for sale, packed up my 52-pound dog and driven around town every time strangers requested to look inside our space, maintained my client schedule, stuffed my humidifier into my dirty clothes hamper because I kept forgetting to put it in the attic as it’s too personal an item to have out when you have prospective buyers in, officially went under contract with a buyer, found a new place to live and made a deposit, freaked out about whether the new place was the right place and spent hours looking for a different new place only to realize the new place where I made the deposit is still the right place, read three books, learned the second year of my course in Spiritual Psychology is no longer being offered this year, watched a lot of internet tv, wrote daily, and constantly missed my daughter.

My Judgments About All of That

  • I judged myself for the way I looked post-surgery
  • I judged myself for how much time it took to feel “normal” post-surgery
  • I judged myself for how much unnecessary stuff had accumulated in my house over the past 12 years of living here
  • I judged myself for how little time I was spending with my clients because of all the other directions in which I was committing my time
  • I judged myself for not having put the humidifier away a long time ago AND I judged myself for not having sanitized it yet
  • I judged my judgment on my choice of where I’m living next
  • I judged myself for not having read more than three books — how will I ever get through my list and be the best coach if I’m not always learning?
  • I judged myself for not having a plan in place when the university emailed me about the delay in my planned course of study
  • I judged myself for watching so much tv and for wasting my life and all this time I now have
  • I judged myself for writing while I was tired and for probably not writing while at my best
  • I judged myself for not getting over missing my daughter
  • I judged myself for feeling lonely
  • I judged myself for wasting this amazing new chapter of my life

I’ll stop here with the judgments. I think you get the idea.

Judgment Truths

There are some very important truths about judgment that once understood help me avoid the trap AND it’s easier for me to reroute myself when I’m heading down the self-judgment path.

Judgment of any kind, whether of self or of others, can only create separation. Consider a time you’ve judged someone else as being wrong, hurtful, out of line, or inappropriate. How did you feel toward that person alongside your judgment of them? Cozy? Close? Warm? Affectionate? No?! You likely distanced yourself emotionally, mentally and/or physically. That’s because judgment creates separation. But only every time.

I’ve been in such severe judgment of myself these last couple of weeks and I’m not surprised at the amount of internet tv I’ve been watching; I don’t want to be with myself because I’m so disappointed in my behavior that I keep looking for ways to get away from me. The more I judge myself for what I’m not doing, the more I don’t do those very things for which I’m judging myself. Vicious.

Judgment also creates physical exhaustion. It’s no surprise that I have been completely wiped out these last 18 days! I can hardly get out of bed in the morning and can’t wait to fall into bed at night. The other day I took a three-hour nap late in the afternoon and was in bed asleep by 10:00 that same night. Judging myself is hard work and it takes its toll on me in a very physical way.

Forgiveness

When I recognize I’m in a pattern of judgment, I slow myself way down. I work with my coach to identify the source of the judgment: my personal why. And as soon as I see it: the real reason why I’m so upset, the judgments tend to unravel themselves one at a time. Once I see my upset up close and personal, I can work with that and drop all my judgments in the process. And when I drop my self judgments, I can forgive myself for judging myself. That’s a beautiful process, forgiving myself, because only then am I able to see the truth about Me, the truths that up until now were taking a beating in their effort to be seen and heard and experienced. And the truth statements are the best part. I speak those out loud because I need to hear them, to be reminded of what is true, of who I am BEing.

My Truths

The truth is, I’ve been doing the best I can these last 18 days.
The truth is, I’ve been doing a lot more than I’ve allowed myself to see.
The truth is, I’m grieving the absence of my daughter and it’s okay to feel sad and lonely sometimes.
The truth is, I’m making a lot of life changes and the decisions that are required are going to feel bigger than they are.
The truth is, I can just have fun with all of these changes because they’re only as serious as I make them.
The truth is, I’m doing great.
The truth is, everything always works out for me.

Thank you for allowing me to share my personal experience with self-judgment. I know I’m not alone in this habit. If there’s something I’ve shared that is particularly helpful for you, please use it. And if there’s a judgment you’re carrying that you’re struggling to forgive and turn around into a truth, please email me <coach @ armindalindsay dot com> and share it with me so I can support you in your work. You can drop the judgment. I promise.

Loving you,
arminda

+1.336.601.8111 | Los Angeles, California, USA