Arminda Lindsay

Being On Purpose

Year In Review

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This is a time to thoughtfully reflect back on 2016. Perhaps you’d like to answer all the questions twice, once for your personal self and once for your professional self. Any way you choose to respond is perfect.

* Your Top 3 Achievements
* 3 Challenges You Overcame
* 3 Things You Learned About Yourself
* 3 Relationships You Developed
* 3 Things You Created
* 3 Ways You Made a Difference
* 3 Favorite Memories
* 3 Things You Learned Professionally

* Questions adapted from Simplicity Life Coaching

Frozen Assets

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frozen-assets

Earlier today as I was walking Eli we came upon what appeared to be a frozen fountain. Upon closer inspection I realized while the fountain’s main water had, indeed, frozen, there was still quite a bit of water still freely flowing, uninhibited by the sub-zero temperatures to which its fellow drops had succumbed.

Earlier this week I conducted multiple coaching sessions with clients who each arrived to our respective conversation feeling stuck and unable to move past what seemed like insurmountable barriers. Here’s a sampling of four of those barriers:

1. Frustration with a business partner whose actions had offended a key vendor
2. A marketing plan that didn’t seem to be producing the desired results
3. Overwhelm from starting a new business and implementing multiple strategies simultaneously
4. Personal issues that were “leaking” into the professional space

Upon closer inspection, some targeted questioning from me, and a safe space in which to review their assets, my clients were each able to see avenues to continue moving forward, uninhibited by the surrounding events previously blocking their path.

When we had completed our time together every single one of those “stuck” individuals experienced an overflow of joy that accompanied their awareness that sometimes, or perhaps especially, when feeling stuck it might do to remember Winnie the Pooh‘s sage advice:

Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known.”

Remember that being stuck is optional and if you need some assistance just let me know what’s in your way; I’m happy to stand on the bottom rail with you.

Loving you,
arminda

Can You Spare a Dime?

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Alexander Graham Bell was onto something big, but could he have anticipated the iterations his history-changing invention would take? Raise your hand if you’ve personally experienced dramatic changes in the way you use telephones from the time you first started using them? My mother remembers party lines. Her parents had a rotary phone in their house that I used. We had a red push-button phone that hung on the kitchen wall as the main hub of communication until it broke and was replaced with another push-button phone, but one with more “options” (it sported a fancy hold button)! Remember the first cell phones? My brother carried one around in a bag and the phones gradually reduced in size and cost, while increasing in functionality and even my parents now only carry cell phones, having finally discontinued their landline.

Seeking out and adopting change can be intimidating and sometimes scary, but would you agree that’s primarily because of what you don’t know on the other side of the change?

Twice this week I’ve had clients tell me that the work we do together is hard and uncomfortable because they’re not used to looking introspectively, especially not for answers to questions that are easier to either complain about or to maintain status quo, rather than explore different solutions.

Why do we hypothesize and experiment? To tweak and to adjust and to update our experience with being human. This is all one big experiment and life is your lab. Grab some goggles and a white coat if it makes you feel more official, but settling with a system because it’s the way it’s always been done? Phooey. That is so payphone of you.

What if you can’t make a wrong decision because whatever decision you make is an experiment to simply see where it takes you? Can you spare yourself the drama of complaining and release your attachment to status quo? What’s the worst thing that can happen?

CAUTION: You might feel a whole lot better and have a whole lot more fun in the process.

In scientific researches, there are no unsuccessful experiments; every experiment contains a lesson. If we don’t get the results anticipated and stop right there, it is the man that is unsuccessful, not the experiment.” — Alexander Graham Bell

Beware of Dog

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In ancient Pompeii homeowners used large intricate tiles in their entryway floor to ward off potential intruders; BEWARE OF DOG signs have been around for ages, it seems. Whether the dog is real is irrelevant; it’s the thought there might be a dog that triggers a fear and an inability to move ahead that the BEWARE OF DOG signs illicit, rendering the signs so effective, thus preventing any perceived negative advances.

I often work with clients who are deeply frustrated with themselves because they’re not achieving their goals and feel anger, anxiety and hold themselves in severe self judgment at how seemingly long it’s taking them to gain any traction toward their next big thing, or each time they attempt a step toward their goal they experience extreme resistance around the very thing they say they want to do.

If this is you, then in my experience you’re completely normal.

Most likely you’ve got a “tile” of thought warning you against proceeding, so every time you come up close to progress you hit internal resistance and hold yourself back.

What’s most interesting is the buried, or competing, thought: you aren’t consciously aware of its existence. Look underneath what you’re not accomplishing to discover your block.

What’s the worst thing that could happen if you succeed, if you do the thing you’re NOT doing?

Too often we have a great plan and a vision and we stay out in that expansive space and get overwhelmed at all that has to happen to realize the vision, so we do nothing. It’s great to have a plan and a vision, but then we must pull it all back to center and see what the one next thing is and do that, rather than thinking the big plan and vision should be complete at conception and then we judge ourselves for not having done it and we create distance from the very thing we think we’re supposed to be doing and creating.

Good grief. That’s exhausting.

My assumption is the judgment and misidentification of yourself is your “tile.”

Who would you be without all those thoughts, without that “tile”?

When you expose the tile, you also expose the thought’s irrelevance. Remember it’s only the thought there might be a dog that prevents an intruder from breaking in. The same is true for you. It’s only the made up thoughts you’re having that are preventing you from moving forward.

Identify and expose your internal competition. Then step out of your own way, stop making up stuff and move forward — one step at a time.

There is no dog.

Clutter or Bust?!

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Recently a client contacted me with sincere apologies because a travel delay would prevent him making our session and he wondered if I could please still meet with him that afternoon? He was shocked to learn through my response that our session had come and gone 24 hours prior and he’d been a no show.

Clutter can look like the obvious physical piles stacked across the tops of our desks, inboxes that haven’t been at zero ever, calendars that are double and triple-booked, or calendars that live only in our heads because we mistakenly trust ourselves to keep up with all the details, to the not so obvious clutter hideouts like the unresolved interpersonal issues my male clients in particular like to classify as “compartmentalization,” busyness (because p.s. busy does NOT equal productive), incomplete tasks, resistance to action (which can manifest itself in lots of different ways), or relationships — both personal and professional — that do not support us.

“Clutter is the physical manifestation of unmade decisions fueled by procrastination.”

― Christina Scalise

Clutter catches up with all of us at various stages and spaces in our lives. And just like my client experienced firsthand, his cluttered world caught up with him. I wasn’t the only appointment he’d ever missed, but I might have been the first to call him out on it 🙂 And that’s where he and I went to work by slowing everything in his frenetic world down and identifying what really mattered.

“The best way to find out what we really need is to get rid of what we don’t.”
― Marie Kondō

It’s amazing how little we actually need or even want in our space when we’ve intentionally and thoughtfully decluttered. I love Kathi Lipp‘s definition of clutter, as it resonates with my own experience:

At its heart, clutter is a lack of peace.”

External experience is a reflection of internal reality. If your external space is cluttered and disorganized, I guarantee you’ve got the same thing happening inside of you, and whether you’ve slowed down enough to acknowledge that is irrelevant.

Your internal peace is the barometer by which your external world functions.

Let’s do a clutter check. Take a glance around your office. How does it look? Where is there an opportunity for some tidying? Is it time for a check in(ward)? How would you describe your internal peace meter today?

Get unstuck and decluttered so you can keep creating and building and growing. You and your team need you in top form.

Sunrise

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Every single morning I wake to the sunrise. This is a new phenomenon for me, having recently moved to a new city with a new view. Shockingly, even without me witnessing it, the sun has still been rising every single day.

Last night I was out for my evening walk with Eli and happily playing my made-up game of surrender. The rules are simple: I don’t choose which direction to walk; I follow the crosswalk signals only and we eventually find our way back to our building. I’ve had so much fun wandering in this way, following the lights and learning all sorts of things about the downtown streets and where they might lead me. Except last night’s game took an interesting twist when I disobeyed my own rules.

Thirty minutes into our adventure and approaching our next intersection, I distinctly felt pulled in the opposite direction of the current walk indicator light, so I decided to mix things up a bit and waited for the light to change, then followed my intuition. Within a few minutes we happened upon a small group of people gathered together, lovely music was being sung, and there was an excited energy permeating the square. We paused our walk to take a closer look and a lovely woman asked if I would please take her picture. Taking strangers’ photos is one of my favorite things to do, so agreeing was easy, but there was something about her, something in her eyes, something she needed and couldn’t speak, and I asked if I could also please give her a hug?

She silently nodded and as I embraced her she began to gently cry and I held her, making it safe for her to feel whatever she was feeling. I soon learned more about my new friend and the source of her tears and how my crossing her path was a gift for her.

I consider my breaking of my own rules to follow the light inside of me (rather than placing a greater value on the walk signals) to have been the highlight of my day. I was able to turn a game of “what’s next” into an awareness that “who’s next” is much more important.

When I get distracted by my own invented significance and become so focused on what I’m doing and what I’m creating and where I’m walking it’s as if I’m existing in my own cloudy haze and I neglect to notice the sun is always still rising and giving light despite my personal clouds.

When I quiet my notion that my agenda matters and look up and look inward, my clouds disperse and I see my own light is always still shining and showing me what to do and what to create and where to walk and with whom to connect and what to say. I also notice that same light exists within everyone around me, whether they see it or not.

Positive psychology expert Shawn Achor has outlined five essential daily tasks that together comprise the formula needed to live happier and more productive lives. And number five on that list is: deliberately perform random or conscious acts of kindness once a day.

Shockingly, even without you acknowledging it, your internal light still shines every single day. Light up the world and disperse the clouds around you by consciously losing yourself in some daily acts of kindness.

Good things happen and lives are impacted when you intentionally shine your light.

loving you,
arminda

Free Candy

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free-candy

American Halloween

The American tradition of Halloween has spread to many cultures, so you’re likely familiar with the concept of hordes of children dressing up in costumes, pretending to be something they’re not, and going door to door collecting free candy. I’ve never been, nor met, the child who doesn’t sincerely believe she IS on her inside whatever she’s parading on her outside through makeup and costume and sometimes just the right pair of shoes.

Personal Halloween

Personalities are just like costumes. It’s become a widespread tradition to dress up in a personality, pretending to be something you’re not, and go day-to-day collecting sympathy for “who you are.” I’ve rarely met an individual who doesn’t sincerely believe he IS on his inside exactly the personality he’s parading on his outside through stories from his past he cloaks himself in, as if they were fresh and relevant.

Don’t Pretend

Have you ever said, thought, or believed any variation of the following:

“I always. . . .”
“I never. . . .”
“That’s just the way I am. . . .”
“You know how I am. . . .”
“I have a tendency to. . . .”

These are statements of belief, of permanence, of irrefutable patterns over which you seemingly have no control. And if you believe your personal patterns are a thing at all, this is what Steve Chandler calls a “mental mistake.”

Anytime you do or don’t do something and blame it on your so-called personality, you are “going back into your past to find the patterns and tendencies that explain it. You refuse to see that the past is over. It counts for nothing. Your word counts for everything. Your word you give yourself on whether you are going to do something.”

Why would you do that, you might wonder?

Because most of us spend most of our lives afraid of what might happen in our non-existent made-up futures, so instead we spend our time avoiding.  Avoiding our own potential, avoiding the things we don’t like, avoiding what we fear, avoiding what we hope won’t happen, avoiding conversations, and the list goes on.

“. . . we are using our creative imagination in the most negative, perverse way because we are using it to worry about the imaginary negative future. The antidote to that. . . is to reconnect human beings to their innate natural birthright of pure creativity” (Steve Chandler).

New Costumes

If you spend any amount of time with young children, you might observe their tendency to not limit their dressing up in costumes to October 31. In reality, children play make believe every single day. And their costumes are widely varied and not dependent on what they pretended they were the previous day. They are constantly creating new versions and visions of themselves. Additionally, they don’t even require external costumes to act out their internal stories of their own greatness and creativity.

What would it take for you to shed your costume of personality and step into your “birthright of pure creativity”? Does it seem frightening? Are you worried you’ll mess it up? That others might laugh at you? That you’ll have regrets?

Steve Chandler suggests the following encouragement:

Just jump in. Forget about making the right choice, and forget about being afraid of your intuition leading you wrong, and forget about attaching a story of regret to a time in your life when you were doing the best you could and then now looking back you are going to attach a story of regret to it — there’s no value in that. You can’t be creative when you’re taking things personally.”

Try on new ideas, test a new pattern, make up a version and a vision of yourself that you haven’t seen yet and go dream to dream collecting a bag full of encouragement from yourself because who you are is entirely up to you.

Loving you,
arminda

Steve Chandler quotes are from chapters 31 and 33 of Steve’s book:
The Life Coaching Connection; How Coaching Changes Lives 

The Illusion of Control

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the-illusion-of-control
During a recent trip to the Boston area I was staying with friends in the suburbs and decided to take the train into downtown. After purchasing my ticket I made my way to the platform and enjoyed the beautiful fall weather as I sat on the bench, having plenty of time awaiting the arrival of the 12:40. At the appointed time, the train approached the depot and I realized (too late) that it was stopping much farther away from me than where I was standing. As I ran to try and reach one of the cars the engineer slowly inched the train forward until it was coming toward me faster than I could reach it, and as the train completely passed me by the conductor shouted to me that I should have paid better attention to the signs. I had mistaken the benches where I was sitting for the platform, itself, and thereby missed the train.

I’m no rookie when it comes to public transportation, but this was a classic first-timer mistake.
Surveying the schedule, the next train wouldn’t be available for another two hours.
Before I allowed frustration, anger, self judgment, and/or judgment against the engineer and conductor for not allowing me on when they clearly could see I was there to get on the train, I walked back to the store where I’d purchased my one-way pass and asked for a refund, which I received.

My knee-jerk reaction was astonishment, judgment and anger, but I replaced it with laughter, taking myself right back up my emotional ladder and called for a car to carry me into the city.

I arrived downtown with seven minutes to spare before my daughter finished her class and our afternoon plans commenced.

Easy.

Especially when I remember that everything always works out for me.

Funnily enough, the very next day neither the train nor the bus ever arrived at my out of town station, leaving me once again out of (illusory) control of my situation and my intended transportation.

Drs. Ron & Mary Hulnick describe control as being “based on the ego’s search for comfort, safety, and security; and its effort to hold everything in place. It’s basically a survival mechanism marketed as a means to attain what most people desire — especially money, sex, and power. The ego creates a picture of the ideal way things (life, the world) should be, and then it uses control to try to make reality match its ideal” (Loyalty to Your Soul, 24).

Both days as soon as I let go of the illusion of control of my situation, options immediately became apparent to me. And both days I was able to easily and effortlessly find my way downtown without stress or upset to my inner peace or to my plans with my daughter.

Is there an illusion of control managing any aspects of your life: personally and/or professionally?
What options might be available to you if you let go of the illusion?

Are there any other modes of transportation operating in the periphery of your life?

Real control comes when you let go of the illusion you have any control at all.

But only every time.

Loving you, arminda

Use This Door

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I have a friend who always said to me, “Don’t tell me what to do!” And every time she said that it would give me pause as I mentally rewound the conversation to determine whether I had, in fact, just told her what to do, or whether she was being silly (again). More times than not I realized I had issued a directive, but never consciously with intent to have my own way or to be manipulative. And since my friend was so willing to call me out every single time I did so, I soon became self-aware enough to stop myself from continuing the practice.

As I work with my clients, I am not surprised to discover that many of them haven’t noticed that they are living their lives based largely on what they’ve been told to do. So many of us exert a lot of energy making small and large decisions solely to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings, or disappointing a loved one, without thoughtfully considering what we would choose if we didn’t feel guilt or obligated to continue on the path outlined.

Think about it. Have you made a decision for that reason? Have you avoided doing something, or not been entirely forthcoming, for that reason?

You’re not alone.

But just because someone who loves you had an idea about what you should be when you grew up, doesn’t mean that you shared the same vision for yourself. And how long did it take you to realize that law school, or the military, or taking over the family business wasn’t as satisfying or exhilarating or fulfilling as you thought it should be? And do you now feel stuck? Obligated to stay? Frightened about what might happen if you should switch things up a bit?

I get it. And I understand.

What would happen if you practiced saying, “Don’t tell me what to do!” to yourself, to the voice inside your head that keeps issuing directives? (And just for grins and giggles, the next time you notice that voice — also notice whose voice it is that you’re hearing. I am willing to bet it’s not your own, but someone else’s.)

What if before you make your next move on auto-pilot, you switch back to manual and check in with yourself to be sure you’re not acting simply because your next step was outlined for you.

Just because all external signs point toward one door doesn’t mean you can’t choose a different door altogether.

You tell you what to do.

Loving you,
arminda

PURPOSELESS IS NOT DIRECTIONLESS

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There are EIGHT children in my family and my seven siblings were all overtly creative. I had brothers who could draw, sisters who could sing, other brothers who were just downright clever and still other brothers who could sing AND play instruments. There was seemingly no shortage of artistic ability in my immediate gene pool. Then there was me; I liked to read. I didn’t draw, or sing, or make anyone laugh, nor was I particularly clever. I did play the clarinet, but only because everyone else in my family played instruments. I was always embarrassed and a little bit ashamed of how not creative or artistic I was. Being a “Lindsay” meant being those things, so I never thought I fit or belonged in my family of origin because I didn’t relate to any of the obvious gifts and talents my brothers and sisters clearly possessed. 
When I tried to figure out what I was supposed to be when I grew up, which would be largely influenced by my course of study at university, I experienced a lot of stress around choosing a major. Ultimately I chose to study history and English, but this was only after I’d first chosen to pursue theatre, as it was a creative outlet where I felt comfortable and confident, but quickly changed my mind after my dad openly disapproved of my choice. But I never stopped judging myself for not being “properly” creative, and that judgment influenced decades of my life.
For years I wondered and wandered inside my own head, worrying that I might not have a purpose, or that my only purpose was to be a mother to my daughter and was that it? Was that the only reason I was here? Please don’t misunderstand me. Being a mom is THE coolest thing I’ve ever done, but fulfilling my life’s purpose over an eighteen year window of my life didn’t seem like “IT” for me! And there were definitely times during those eighteen years when I felt completely out of my league and still without purpose! Wasn’t there something bigger for me to yet accomplish?
And today I learned something I’m going to share with each of you: purpose doesn’t matter. If you don’t have a purpose, don’t sweat it. Purpose and direction are different things and being without a purpose doesn’t mean you’re without direction. In fact, Steve Chandler said (I heard him with my own ears and saw him say this with my own eyes) “If I get over myself, creativity just comes through me!” 
And that’s it: if I get out of my own way and stop trying to force myself to BE anything, or to find or to assign a purpose to my life, direction appears. If I’m not constantly looking for what I think should be happening, I can clearly see what’s next. And that is the direction I move. I take one step at a time, allowing my life and my energy source and my natural state (happiness and joy) to guide me. Life is already and always showing me how to live it, one step and one day at a time. I don’t have to force my own opinions (ego) onto what is naturally better and more amazing all on its own. 
Am I creative? I AM a Lindsay, after all! I’m one of the most creative people I know, but it’s taken me decades to see my own creativity because first I had to sidestep my ego to reveal how much creativity wants to come through me. Now my relationship with creativity is a daily love affair. I never know what we’re going to do together, but we are happily inseparable. 
The only thing I ask myself every day is “What will I create today?” And then I go and do it. That, my friends, is direction. If there’s a purpose that appears along the way, then fine. Otherwise, I’m perfectly content to stay in my daily inquiry because being out of my own way allows creativity to flow through me.
What will you create today?

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