Arminda Lindsay

Being On Purpose

For, Not To

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The morning of our final full day in Italy our B&B host drove us to the bus stop to catch the 11:15 down the mountain. We arrived at 10:55 followed by the bus five minutes later, departing with us on it well before 11:15. Had we arrived any later than we did, we wouldn’t have made it down the mountain until nightfall, completely canceling our option to visit Pompeii, which was by far one of our favorite experiences the entire trip.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The bus took us down most of the mountain until the bus broke and then we stood on the side of the road with the other passengers waiting for a not broken bus to replace our broken one. The second bus deposited us what felt like a mile from the train station, which we located only with the help of a kind fellow bus passenger, and secured passage on the local to Pompeii, where we spent the entire afternoon roaming chariot-rutted streets and long-ago abandoned buildings.

I ate my final pizza. 

After walking around Pompeii all afternoon we got back on the local train to continue our way to Naples, standing the entire trip because the train was overflowing with passengers. From the Naples depot, we took a taxi to our hotel and then walked to a nearby market for some snacks and collapsed in our room for the night, knowing our airport departure time would come much sooner than our bodies wanted to allow.

I thought a lot about that experience, even in the middle of it. Actually, especially in the middle of it — that part when the bus broke down and no one spoke any English and I watched other passengers wander away from the group and I wondered whether we were totally on our own to find new transportation for the remainder of a trip whose route I did not know? Or was I meant to stand in the middle of the road in front of the now defunct bus? Had I correctly understood the message the driver animatedly tried to communicate? Nothing was immediately apparent to me, except my feeling of immense responsibility for the safety of my daughter, niece and sister-in-law, all of whom were traveling with me.

And I decided to let it go, to drop my attachment to any feelings of frustration, anger or fear about what was happening. I had zero control over the situation with the bus and, therefore, zero control over what might happen next. So instead of being upset at the bus breaking down, I took a picture of the roadsigns directly above my head and smiled at how beautiful a day it was and if we had to stand in the middle of this Italian mountain village, then I was certainly glad the sun was shining! Besides, what’s a good adventure without a transportation mishap somewhere along the way? And within minutes a fresh working bus arrived to carry us the rest of the way down the mountain.

As I considered my entire three weeks traveling through Italy I am aware that we arrived every single place we wanted, saw every single thing we wanted to see, found every single house, apartment, hotel, or B&B we booked, were always safe, never missed an experience, and even discovered new delights that expanded our lives and world view because we could see that everything happens for us, not to us, and everything always works out for us.

That’s the way it always is. There are lots of variations and ways to say that life happens for you, not to you, and once you see that, life gets a whole lot better. Steve Chandler posits this shift in perspective is the difference between being a victim of your life and its owner. I like to see it as being the creator of my experience because with every single out of my control occurrence, I get to make a choice. I can choose to react (victim) or I can choose to act (create).

The bus is going to break down. 

Breakdowns and unknowns are a given. Do better than “just deal with it.” Choose to be expanded by the breakdown moments and see that they happen for you. No one is against you. Not the bus, not its driver, not the other passengers, not the universe. There is no universe. There’s only you and the stories you make up inside your own head. So if you’re struggling with a case of “I can’t believe this is happening to me,” then shift your perspective. Create a new story.

Play with the possibility that what’s happening is for your benefit.
What can you see when you rise up to street sign height?
Or higher?
The sky is gorgeous from up here.
Do yourself a favor and celebrate how for you it all is.

Loving you,
arminda

Stuck is Optional

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We’ve all experienced those times when “stuff” happens, stuff that’s outside of our control, yet its impact is significant. And when those times happen it’s easy to feel discouraged, disappointed, frightened, out of control, stuck, miserable, alone, or even resigned.

During this Ask Arminda session I talk about how okay it is to feel that full range of emotions listed above (and please add the ones I’ve left off the list), but stuck is optional. Every time.

Let me know your thoughts and what your personal experience has been when you consciously rise above your circumstances to create something different.

Loving you,
arminda

Snail Mail

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snailmail

Let’s imagine for a moment that you’ve just collected your mail for the day.

As you pull the assorted envelopes and papers out of your box, you pause briefly to flip through the stack. Your eyes light on a colorful envelope with a handwritten address and your heart rate slightly increases with anticipation because you recognize that writing; it’s from someone you love. Memories of shared experiences with that person flood your brain and everything else in your world now ceases to exist until you’ve opened that envelope and read its contents word for word.

We tend to approach our work in the same way we get the mail: haphazardly and rushed. Somedays we barely have time to collect the post at all. When we do, we cram our arms full of the papers, fliers and envelopes spilling out of the box, casually flipping through them to see if anything stands out.

What if every project is a handwritten letter from someone you love and not a stuffed box of junk mail?

Slow down.

When we slow down we see the details that being in a hurry overlooks. Seeing details enables us to create solutions, to simplify processes, and to be an owner of that process, rather than a victim of a system.

There is plenty of time to accomplish all you wish to accomplish.

When was the last time you received a hand-written note or letter from someone? When did you last write and mail one to someone else?

Write a love note and snail mail it.

See the details in your projects and simplify your systems.

Give yourself and someone you love the gift of slowing down.

Personal vs Professional Self

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Let’s not get confused or blurry the line between our personal versus our professional selves. When that happens we feel uncomfortable and think we’re afraid of acting or behaving in a certain manner. Here are some discussion points to help you understand the distinction.

What if My Future Wasn’t That Great?

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life-expectations

Walking through an old neighborhood recently I paused opposite the house where my college boyfriend lived. Staring at that southern front porch I smiled at the countless hours we spent sitting there, him playing his guitar while we laughed and dreamed up our futures.

That version of my future never happened.

And I’m so grateful it didn’t.

Don’t misunderstand me; I’ve had my (countless) episodes of frustration, anger, resentment, fear, and general not knowing when it comes to the way certain events have unfolded in my life. I’ve certainly been on the side of believing something different was somehow supposed to happen when things didn’t go the way I imagined and/or planned for them to go.

Until I didn’t feel that way.

What if I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be because it’s right where I am?

What if what I envisioned for my ideal future wouldn’t have been so ideal?

What if I’m happier now than I ever could have possibly imagined at a different time in my life?

And what if instead of being a victim when life turns things upside down I turn them around and own all of it, and ask myself how I can be empowered by the not knowing?

That’s a future I can smile about.

Bicycles & Ego

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Whether or not we like to admit it, we all have egos. Some larger than others, but we all have them. Our egoistic self thrives on its own significance. And because it thrives on indulgence of self, it pushes us and prompts us and persuades us to seek out praise and attention and validation. Constantly.

And we believe we need those compliments because they are what fuel our forward movement.

Or are they?

Oftentimes we get caught up in our own thinking and believe our approval-seeking is something other than what it is:

FALSE.

VICTIMHOOD.

We become rather adept at covering up our ego as a ruse in the name of serving others, such as the manager “running an idea” past upper management even though she’s been given full support and prior permission from said executive team.

In our selfie-obsessed culture you might argue there are many not even trying to hide the fact their ego drives their behavior, in spite of their claim to self expression.

What drives your behavior? What is your inside-out position?

When you learned to ride a bicycle someone likely assisted you. They held the bike steady while you got comfortable in the seat and felt the  bike move and tilt underneath you as you shifted your body weight. They walked alongside you, keeping the bike steady while you learned to pedal and to steer simultaneously. And they ran behind you as you increased your speed. Then they let go because you found your inner balance to keep yourself on the bike without any outside assistance.

That moment you heard them cheering from somewhere behind you was when you realized you were on your own. You were riding a bike!

Granted, you may have faltered. You may even have fallen because you immediately got caught up in your thinking, believing you needed someone right next to you, giving you support, without which you would fall.

But you got back up, put on a couple of band-aids and found your inner balance; it was still there and easier to find the second and third and each consecutive time until you no longer needed any assistance. The cheering was nice, but not really necessary. In fact, by the time you really connected to your core the idea of someone cheering your every bike ride seemed a bit silly.

For you, the internal thrill and the exhilaration of balancing yourself on the bike while moving forward was sufficient praise; it’s that sense of self — generated from the inside of you — that drove your repeated bike riding behavior, not the accolades of onlookers, your peers, or more experienced bike riders.

Contrast that to ego.

Ego would have had you believe you were only capable of riding a bike if someone constantly praised your efforts, told you how impressive you looked perched on your bike, suggested other bikes would probably be a more suitable ride for someone like you, pressured you to choose bike routes with people from whom you could seek validation as a rider, and so on.

You don’t need ego now any more than you needed it after learning to ride a bike.

Honestly look at yourself and your behavior and identify what’s driving you? If you seek to please others, are anxious for their approval, worry what they might think, and craft conversations to corner someone into validating your behavior then ego is driving and your internal position is non-existent. You are relying on external sources and circumstances to determine your outcomes. You are a victim.

In his book Straight-Line Leadership, Dusan Djukich states that

Approval seeking is a toxic addiction. It is the one thing of which a person must be cured if they are going to do anything worthwhile in life.

The alternative is to remember what it feels like to ride a bicycle and to create your own path because your internal position is one of ownership. You recognize you are responsible for the creation of your world and which bike path you ride. And any bumps along the way are just part of the ride. You are the driver.

And that exhilaration you feel? It’s coming from inside of you and is never dependent on someone else. Forward movement is always dependent on you. Own that.

Choose you. Choose happy.

allarminda.com | 2024