In my capacity as a leadership coach, I work one-on-one with my clients and truthfully just do a lot of listening. When I do speak, it’s usually to ask questions intended to provoke and to poke holes in what I call limiting beliefs. A limiting belief is anything you hold to be true, which beliefs limit (and oftentimes prevent) your ability to move your life/career/relationship/education/finances forward. Essentially, I’m a remover of (perceived) blocks that show up in every single one of us at various stages and phases of our being human experience.
During a recent coaching session my client revealed their frustration at having just moved across the country for a new job only to discover the job wasn’t anything like what was promised in the interview phase. Not only was the actual job a surprise on arrival, but also the culture, the compensation structure, and the new city all proved to be negative environments for my client’s mental health.
“If I leave, this is going to be a red strike against my career! I’ve worked so hard to put in reasonably long stints at each of my previous employers’, so you can see I’m growing them and me.”
First, as a recruiter, let me assure you in the same way I assured my client — no one is going to give you a demerit for a short stay in a position. Quite the contrary — this now becomes a talking point in future conversations!
“Tell me what happened here?” or “What were the circumstances surrounding this situation?”
It’s that simple. Your short stay becomes an opportunity to learn more about yourself, to better define (and maintain) boundaries, and to learn better questions to ask next time. Because there will be a next time, I promise.
But how did we work through this limiting belief held by my client? What were they holding onto, and why? They were holding onto two beliefs:
- Regret
- Fear
Let’s look at the regret first — my client was tailspinning into their very recent past, replaying over and over again the “What ifs.” What if I had taken Job A or Job C instead of this Job B? What if Job A still wants me? (They don’t.) So my client was spending a LOT of time regretting the choice they made thoughtfully and in good conscience.
They were spending the rest of their time (an easy 50/50 split) paralyzed with fear of making any changes to their current, regretful, and toxic situation. What’s going to happen if I leave? Where will I go? If I leave it’s going to ruin my career!
I’m going to share with you a technique I use with myself and my clients to work my way out of limiting beliefs. If you feel stuck, ask yourself:
- Why do I feel stuck?
- What’s blocking/stopping me from taking ______ action?
- Am I experiencing regret?
- Am I afraid? Of what?
Regret and fear are clear indicators that time and energy (which we each have in limited and finite amounts) are being spent in the past and in the future, respectfully.
Regret is a harbinger of the past, of moments, experiences, and decisions that have already happened. We cannot change what was, and any thought we expend toward the past is wasted time. Conversely, fear is future-based. With rare exceptions (you encounter a bear in the woods or an active shooter in the mall), when we feel afraid, we are imagining something that does not, in fact, exist. In the case of my client, they were afraid a departure would ruin their entire (future) career.
Personally, I prefer to spend my time in the present, focusing my energy and thoughts on creating today, the tomorrow I want to enjoy. I coach and encourage my clients to do the same.
Together, my client and I created a list of questions to ask before moving to a new position, questions that came out of the very real and abrupt experience this current job has provided. We talked through that previously-mentioned Job C, which happened to extend another offer, and what would be the ideal scenario. We talked about coming back to the present, how to let go of the past and of the future every time we find ourselves in either one again.
I invite my clients to imagine they’re wearing a rubber band around their wrist. Whenever you notice and catch yourself feeling regret or fear, snap your imaginary rubber band and bring yourself back to the right now. Learning to think about the thoughts you’re thinking is hard work. It takes practice. Identifying your own personal limiting beliefs takes even more work! And then unlearning them. . . .
Listen, being human is hard. I get it and I’m here to help you navigate the learning curve, if you’d like.
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